This is the Pay Per View Collection
by AlKaholiK
Summary: Thanks for all who took the time to read and review! I had fun doing this series, but...all things must come to an end. For the fans of this particular series, the last "official PPV" will be at the end of Grapefruits, the Adventure 4! Otherwise, this series is COMPLETE...RETIRED...FINISHED! Thanks again!
1. The Fenway Park PPV REPOST

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, but thanks for asking!

**_This was originally written in spring of 2005. However, I've updated it slightly. Originally, I had Big Show as "King of the Balls", instead of Khali. But read it, it's good…trust me._**

* * *

It has truly been a while since I've created a pay-per-view, hasn't it? Yes, it has. Welp, here I am again, with yet another PPV for the ages. Boy oh boy, the creativity is just overflowing! I normally don't get a chance to post this often, but hey, I have a couple days off of work and I'm drunk and bored so here I go again.

I'm going to do what I normally do and disregard storylines and rosters—it just makes it that much more fun, don't it? Yep, it does…for me, anyway. Yes, yes, yes, my consultants, Mr. Jim Beam and Mr. Jack Daniels have helped me arrange this PPV during one of our "team meetings"—(which are really nothing more than me in a drunken stupor). So buckle your safety belts and tighten your jockstraps—time to let the show begin!

The camera pans over a capacity crowd of just under 200. This PPV is taking place inside Boston's Fenway Park—I've always liked outdoor PPV's, damn shame they don't have them anymore. Your announcing team is Jim "Leatherface" Ross and Mike "I know what each wrestler's shit smells like" Tenay.

Anyway, the wrestlers will come out of the field entranceways. Someone brought and lit an entire pack of sparklers and lined them up along the entranceway the wrestlers will be using. The sparklers are the pyro, of course. The audience boo's as Stephanie McMahon waddles down toward ringside.

She grabs the mic and announces that the first series of matches will be strictly ballroom dancing. And then the first "KING OF THE BALLS" will be crowned.

* * *

First Match series: Ballroom dancing tournament

A tournament bracket is set up, and 16 men are entered. Most people assume John Cena has an easy first round win against Khali. Unfortunately for C-Money, while Khali may not be able to properly body slam, his dancing is as graceful as a swan, and as elegant as Vince McMahon sexually assaulting a diva.

After performing a beautiful interpretive dance, Cena submits. Khali then goes on to defeat Edge in the semi-finals, showing his range as he even breaks out the "cabbage patch". Shockingly, he does not eat it. Semi-finalist Shark Boy actually forfeits when attempting to practice his dance moves with Stephanie. While grinding erotically against her thigh, she manages to consume him in one quick bite.

The finals are set. Khali, Nunzio, and TOE TAPPING JAZZ! Nunzio comes out strong with a quick display of foot moves and a full body spin. His glittery fag-vest is a nice touch. Khali, not to be outdone, mimics a scene from a Shirley Temple movie, "Little Ugly Girl Dances To Kill Hitler"...Nunzio tries his best, but eventually Khali claims victory. Then Torrie Wilson comes running out and starts hitting everybody with a folding chair.

Among the scattered bodies lying around her, she stands in the middle of the ring and raises the chair up in victory!

We move on to the next match…

* * *

Undertaker vs. New Jack

Undertaker makes his way toward the ring and New Jack runs up from behind him and stabs him to death with a shank he made during his last stint in prison.

The commentator, Mike Tenay, points out, "Look folks, this angle has multiple benefits. The biggest, of course, is the bloated, bloody corpse of the Undertaker being stabbed repeatedly with a knife made from an old dinner spoon. But also, this sets up several feuds for New Jack down the road."

His partner, Jim Ross nods and says, "First, New Jack would probably have to fend off the challenge of Taker's brother, Kane. (Real name Glen Calloway) What would result is probably the single greatest feud built on the in-ring murder of a babyface's brother in the last...10 years. At another PPV let's say that New Jack would manage to defeat Kane, and savagely murder him. They may or may not want him to eat his organs. Maybe that can happen on BYTE THIS!"

Tenay smiles and says, "Yes, this of course leads to the ULTIMATE blowoff, and the elevation of a _new_ babyface, Undie's old lady--Sara Taker. New Jack vs. Sara Taker would sell out any arena in the world. Can the evil New Jack and his trusty, crudely-fashioned knife manage to take out one of the ugliest woman alive? And more importantly, why did she have breast implants when that money could have been spent on her face?"

Jim Ross excitedly says, "The battle would rage on and on. I'd say that this match should last for 16-17 weeks. The first 10-11 weeks could be spent in the STAREDOWN TO END ALL STAREDOWNS. I remember watching Hulk vs. Andre, and thinking to myself, 'Calm down Jim, or you're gonna' get an erection from this staredown!'"

Tenay nods and says, "Well the New Jack-Sara staredown would be so awesome, I'd be SO PROUD to get an erection from it, that I'd probably attempt to poke people in the eye with it. Also, I'd dip my erection in the chip dip as a fun prank. But that's neither here nor there."

Jim Ross says, "I can see it now, after an intense staredown, the two giants of the ring would trade wristlock after wristlock. This would go on for several days, prompting the corpse of Gorilla Monsoon to appear mid-ring, wearing nothing but a thong made of baseball cards, shouting 'YOU CAN CUT THE ELECTRICITY WITH A KNIFE!'"

Tenay smiles and says, "Yeah, and hearing that, New Jack would break the hold and lunge at Holo-Gorilla, stabbing like a wildman. This would cause Marc Mero to sue me for gimmick infringement, so please go back and replace the word wildman with lunatic. Seeing an opening, Sara Taker would lunge at New Jack with her hideous face still attached to her body, sadly."

Ross nods and says, "A quick rollup would get the 3 count! New Jack had been defeated! Realizing she'd just defended the honor of her dead husband and that guy who always hangs out over there in a red jumpsuit, Sara looks into the camera and smiles...turning her heel instantly for forcing viewers to see her wretched face.

And hey, if that doesn't work, replace Kane with Mr. Fuji and maybe do some promos where he grabs Gail Kim's non-ass. Either way, Taker's dead."

After that "enlightening vision of New Jack's possible feuds, we cut to Tito Santana roaming the crowd selling sombreros as we prepare for our next match…

* * *

Edge vs. Konnan

Tito Santana wanders aimlessly into the ring, holding a handful of sombreros. Edge goes to spear Konnan, but Tito steps in his path! Edge spears the legend! SOMBREROS ARE EVERYWHERE! This is truly a black day in the fine history of sombrero vendors.

This is when it gets good. As most people point and laugh at Tito, he weeps softly, before finally grabbing the microphone.

"You don't understand! One of these sombreros is a _magic_ sombrero that gives the person wearing it the ability to fight off 20 people at once, in wacky fashion!"

Konnan and Edge hear this and begin fighting over each sombrero, attempting to put on each one in the hopes that it's magical. Unbeknownst to them, Tito has donned a sombrero and stands in fighting position. Is it...could it be?...IT IS! THE MAGIC SOMBRERO OF TITO SANTANA!

Tito attacks with a flying forearm! ARIBA! Konnan goes down! ARIBA! Edge goes down! Tito celebrates...and both men get up and pummel him until he's a bloody wreck, and carted off on a stretcher.

As the camera zooms in on Tito's face, he is heard saying, "Why, magic sombrero? Why do you not grant me powers? IT WORKED WITH JACKIE CHAN'S TUXEDO!"

So, we now prepare for our next match, with a special "Scooby-Doo" ending!

* * *

King Booker vs. HHH

Ok, the bell rings and _already_ Booker T and HHH are deep into their classic match. HHH is applying his 8th sleeper hold—fast, ain't it? The ref gives them the signal to go home. Booker breaks free. BOOK-END! BOOK-END! He covers...1...2...the lights go out?

As they come back on, Booker is out cold. HHH is nude. And Earl Hebner, oh dear god, the tattered carcass of Earl Hebner is being ravaged by coyotes! Who is responsible for this? Just then, the spotlights hit the catwalk...ITS THE GHOST OF EDDIE GUERRERO!

JINKYS!

Eddie heads to the ring, laughing mysteriously the whole way there. The crowd is in shock, HHH is busy making Booker job, and poor Earl is forced to watch as his organs are eaten while he's still alive. Eddie takes the mic, when all of a sudden...

Jim Ross loudly and excitedly belts out, "THE MYSTERY MACHINE IS HERE! STONE COLD! FREDDIE PRINZE JR! THE CHICK FROM BUFFY! RANDY ORTON!"

They've solved the case...and it's no ghost. As a matter of fact...they pull off Eddie's mask to reveal, MARK HENRY!

But wait...it couldn't be Mark Henry, he was busy getting malaria in the WWE Africa tour. So they pull off another mask to reveal...OLD MAN FLAIR, THE GUY WHO RUNS THE T-SHIRT STAND!

Flair is hauled off by security, as he cuts a promo. "I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn't for you pesky kids! WHOOOOO!"

Sadly, Ric Flair would STILL be more over than the entire Raw roster. Still, this would finally give us what the fans have demanded. Freddie Prinze Jr. headlining the next PPV.

We now prepare for our final contest…

* * *

Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. McMahon in a backstage fight, (with a surprise appearance from Bret Hart—who'll be eating carrot cake!)

Here we go, the main event! This is taking place inside Jerry Jarret and Vince's office backstage—they have to share an office, my budget wouldn't allow them to have separate offices.

Hulk and Vince seem to be in a pretty heated battle 10 minutes in. Vince and Hogan are both lying on the floor, rolling around, groping at each other wildly. The door swings open and Gerald Brisco tells them their match is on next. They stop tussling around on the floor and they each leave the office.

Out comes Vince, to a chorus of "STUNNED SILENCE", as JR would call it. And here comes Hogan to a babyface reaction so huge that it's met with "QUIET AWE", as JR would call it. They lock up, and the match that all wrestling fans have dreamed of is now taking place before our very eyes.

Minutes later, and Vince has the advantage. He walks around cocky, as if to say, "I may have ruined a football league, squandered the biggest angle ever and run a company that is quickly going the way of WCW, BUT I CAN BEAT UP THIS 50 YEAR OLD MAN WITH NO WORKING KNEES!" Classic Vince! That's why we love to hate him! He goes in for the kill, and attempts the McLegDrop! HOGAN MOVES!

He's hulking up! Vince punches. NO EFFECT! He punches again...NO EFFECT! A third time...THE RAVEN EFFECT! Which is to say, "no effect" again! Hogan points at Vince, and Vince sells it as if he once booked his daughters nipple to pop out on live television!

They collide with a double clothesline, and here comes Shane McMahon! Just for kicks, he throws himself off a balcony through 8 tables made of glass and human skulls! What will happen? WHO WILL WIN? Suddenly, a familiar song begins to play...is it...YES! "TELL ME A LIE!" THAT GAY MUSIC VIDEO BRET HART HAD!

The Hitman is back! The fans erupt, and JR's hamburger-like face quivers as the stadium shakes. Bret heads to the ring with a chair. Hogan and Vince both stop, and we hit the ultimate question...who does Bret hate more? The man who murdered his brother and screwed him over? Or the man who refused to make him a star and hooked him up with his fat sea-hag of a wife? Bret takes the chair, and the crowd sits with baited breath, waiting to see who he strikes.

...NOBODY. Instead, he sits the chair down in the ring and pulls a small dinner tray from his greased up hair. He looks at Vince and CLOCKS HIM GOOD!

Bret loudly declares, "THAT'S FOR OWEN YOU SACK OF CRAP! THAT'S FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU'VE MURDERED OVER THE YEARS! OWEN, RICK RUDE, CURT HENNIG, TUGBOAT!"

Tugboat materializes out of nowhere and says he's not dead. The fans boo him out of the arena, and though Fred Ottman isn't dead, he certainly wishes he was. Toot, toot, good buddy...Toot, Toot.

Vince is down. Hogan hits the big legdrop! 1-2-3! HOGAN WINS! But everyone turns their attention to Bret, who has a microphone.

He says, "You've all been waiting to see me back in the ring, and I've just got one thing to say...DOES ANYONE HAVE A FORK?"

A young boy in the audience gives Bret a fork and he takes a bite of the most delicious carrot cake that has ever touched his lips. His pink tights tremble with anticipation of more cake to come. Bret finishes the cake and proudly grabs the mic.

"I can honestly say that this carrot cake is the BEST THERE IS, THE BEST THERE WAS, AND THE BEST THERE EVER WILL BE!"

After that, the audience was wondering what Hogan would do to try and outdo Bret, like maybe hump a pumpkin, or something. But he just stands there, in the middle of the ring as Bret's sitting down eating cake.

The credits roll, and as they're rolling, we see Hulk try to reach for a piece of Bret's cake. We see Bret chewing and shaking his head as he keeps the plate, out-maneuvering Hogan's grabbing hands.

The End.

Thanks for reading, please review!


	2. The Legends of Wrestling PPV REPOST

Disclaimer: I don't own a motherfuckin' thing.

_**This piece was originally written in mid 2005. Oh, and I also resurrected Christopher Reeve—he makes a guest appearance.**_

* * *

This event takes place somewhere in New York.

The camera spans in front of a capacity crowd of 402 of the "social elite". The ring is old as the canvas is stained with blood, tears, and other "bodily fluids". The ropes aren't actual ring ropes, but rather an elaborate combination of shoe laces and duct tape. The "Legends" enter the arena through a cardboard box that has "Legens of Wrastling " written in black marker (Yes I know, "Wrestling" is spelled wrong). "The Master of Ceremonies" is in the ring--The Honky Tonk Man!

Honky Tonk starts out, "Welcome fans to the Legends of Wrestling wrestling special! Tonight we have some of the best wrestling heroes to ever grace a ring...and Kevin Nash. Calling the action is a former WWF IC champ, and the man who gave Owen Hart a concussion.. Ahmed Johnson! And on the play-by-play he is a former WWF IC, tag, team WWF/WCW World champion, and the brother of wrestling's favorite corpse..."The man of a thousand complaints" Bret Hart! And tonight it is my honor to introduce the ring announcer. He is a Baltimore sports legend. He rambled on at the 1994 WWF King of the Ring, he is NFL Hall of Famer...Art "The Living Legend" Donovan!"

Art Donovan grabs the mic and says, "Whoa, it's great to be here. Hey why are you dressed like Elvis? You must be the fat Elvis, how much you weigh anyway? Now fans due to popular vote we are skipping the national anthem tonight!"

(HUGE crowd pop).

Ahmed Johnson angrily blabs, "fuckthatshit"

Bret Hart whines, "I wanna hear 'Oh,Canada'. "

Ahmed Johnson repeats, "fuckthatshit".

Bret Hart turns and asks, "Well what do you want to hear?"

Ahmed Johnson replies, "agh...guhs..blaksksas...Baby gots biz-ack"

Bret Hart, ignoring Ahmed, faces the camera and says, "Fans we have a great show tonight. I challenged that pansy faggot Shawn Michaels to a match but he no-showed because he is a pussy! And I am a man!"

Ahmed Johnson smirks, "Agh, you'se twat grrugh, fuck...dathoe Sunny. I slipped her the big black dick,too, she moansshitand dua..."

Bret Hart puts his hand up to his earpiece and says, "Wait, I hear something is going down in the lockeroom are--"

(Camera cuts to locker area as reporter, Todd Pettingil is in the men's room.)

Todd says, "Bret, I just got word that Scott Hall and Jake Roberts had the first contest of the night. As you can see from the yellow liqiod dripping from the walls and ceiling they had a pissing contest. More on this as news develops, back to ringside!"

Bret Hart announces, "Brian Pillman is scheduled for a casket match against...OWEN HART? What? Vince McMahon is behind this, isn't he?"

Ahmed Johnson shakes his head, "Oh don't be worrying Bret, if youz bruffa Owahn be using his diving headbutt from da rafters he be gonna win."

Bret Hart angrily begins, "Why you stinking rotten—"

(Bret punches Ahmed in the stomach, but the fat simply absorbs Bret's hand. Bret tries to free it with a crowbar as the caskets of Owen and Pillman are wheeled out and placed in the ring. The bell rings.)

Bret Hart frees his hand and says, "And there's the bell. Special referee Greg Valentine checks the boots of Pillman and now they're off! They're gonna' fight! Yes sir they are going to go at it! The two men are lying in the caskets. And now—"

Ahmed Johnson looks around and asks, "What be up wif' dis' shit? Hey, what dat sound?"

(Bret and Ahmed turn toward the entranceway as several stray dogs linger in, sniffing for the scent of corpse.)

Bret Hart yells, "Hey, stop it! Greg--the dogs are nibbling on Owen's neck! Do something!"

Greg Valentine explains, "BUT IT TAKES THE HAMMER 15 MINUTES TO WARM UP!"

Ahmed Johnson says, "Damn it jigga do somefin' befo' they be gettin to his Canadian bacon!"

Greg Valentine, wide-eyed, replies, "OK...um..."

(Valentine grabs a mic and nervously sings while erotically massaging his thighs and butthole.)

Greg Valentine sings, "Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof. Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof. When the party was nice, the party was jumpin, Hey, Yippie, Yi, Yo. And everybody havin' a ball. Hah, ho, Yippie Yi Yo. I tell the fellas "start the name callin" Yippie Yi Yo. And the girls report to the call. The poor dog show down. So the Hammer has got to say...Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof! Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof, woof!"

Bret Hart points out, "Uh, genius? The dogs just ATE my brother entirely! Good one bastard!"

Greg Valentine points to Bret and says, "OK, THATS IT! (Valentine reaches down and TURNS AROUND HIS SHINGUARD, SHOWING HE MEANS BUSINESS.) Come over here so I can put you in the Figure-Four!"

Bret Hart simply says, "No."

"Dammit you're no fun. I'm gonna go play 'Soggy Biscuits' with Demolition."

Ahmed Johnson rubs his belly, saying, "Mmmmmm, biscuits."

Bret Hart, now paying attention to ringside, says, "What a match, but in the meantime, Todd Pettingil has Pat Patterson in the backstage area!"

(Camera cuts to the back)

* * *

Todd says, "I am here with the first ever IC champ, Pat Patterson. Tell me how this 'suck my dick' match came about."

Pat replies, "Well, it all started when Janetty was a part of the Rockers. I always saw him partying and having sex with different women every night. What about me? What about Pat? I wanted some ass too! So one day I asked him 'Wanna have butt sex?' . He said no. I've been waiting a LONG time for this match. And Janetty, mark my words, tonight you're gonna' be my personal ring boy and are going to SUCK MY DICK!"

Bret Hart smiles and says to Ahmed, "What a match this is. I hear Janetty used to suck HBK's dick to ejaculation."

Ahmed Johnson blabbers, "gruash muthafucka...blowjobsandshit...ujik..."

Art Donovan is in the ring and he announces, "This next match is a 'suck my dick' match! First from Le' Fag, Quebec Canada...how much does this guy weigh? Oh yeah...269lbs of pure pleasure, Pat "Ass Fuck" Patterson! And his opponent, Marty Janetty! Hey Marty, that your name? How much you weigh?"

Suck My Dick match- Pat Patterson vs Marty Janetty

Janetty starts off hitting Patterson with a flurry of armdrags, dropkicks, and a a big right hand. 1...2kick out.

Bret Hart points out, "Impressive, but I think my fellow Canadian Patterson is gonna' have Janetty do what his tag partner, HBK used to do--SUCK DICK come the end of the match."

Patterson fights back with a few right hands. He corners Janetty and hits a bronco buster, than a stink face.

Ahmed Johnson gestures toward ringside and says, "Damn foo, hebebackingthat ass up in his face', dang. Duh muhn be's crazee's shit"

Jannety comes out the corner and hits with a flying clothesline. He then hits Patterson with a back drop, then the dreaded fist drop off the 2nd turnbuckle pad. He goes for a pin--1…2...foot on the rope! Patterson hits a low blow on Janetty. Patterson pulls down his tights and locks the mandible cock on Janetty. Janetty passes out as Patterson wins. An opaque white liquid oozes from Janetty's mouth.

Winner-Pat Patterson

Bret Hart asks, "Ahmed what you think of that match?"

Ahmed Johnson folds his arms and says, "fuckthatshit".

Bret Hart thinks for a second and asks, "Isn't Vince McMahon a bastard?"

Ahmed Johnson nods, "Yeah he's is's...crackabastard...I sures wanta fuck his dawta' doe', hit dat white ass."

* * *

(In the back Todd Petingill has Scott Hall)

Todd asks Scott, "So Scott can you tell us your thoughts on your match later on tonight?"

Scott Hall replies, "Hey Yo...survey says...I'm gonna win. Cuz I want it more."

Todd asks, "The Victory?"

Scott Hall shakes his head, "No chico--the beer. I want it more. All Jake wants it for is to wash down his crack. I want the beer, cuz the beer wants me. Also, Jake I know your going to bring your snake with you. You can also bring a trash can too."

Todd, curious, asks, "Why you wanna' go hardcore?"

Scott Hall shakes his head and replies, "No, I haven't ate in days, chico."

Scott walks away, Todd faces the camera, and says, "Back to ringside!"

* * *

Ahmed Johnson slurs out, "was...aarrr...slu..wak... Wake me up when da'bitches come out...grush...urgh...grum.."

Art Donovan is in the ring again and he announces, "This is a special attraction--a staring Contest! First from New Jersey, being wheeled down to the ring by Sherri Martel—Droz! ("Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees plays as he's being wheeled down to ringside.) And his opponent, the star of the sliver screen, being rolled to the ring by Gorgeous George...(Meanwhile, the theme to "Superman" plays)...he is "Chris 'SuperMan' Reeeve! Hey why are these guys in wheel chairs? How much do these wheel chairs weigh?"

Staring Contest--1st Blink match: Droz vs Christopher Reeve

Both men are planted in mid ring, wheel chairs in the park position. They begin to stare. 2 minutes pass as no one has blinked yet. Droz' eyes are starting to tear up, as Reeve's left eye begins to bleed. 5 minutes and no one has yet to blink Reeve looks like he is going to blink any minute--But wait...what is this? Reeve gets up--he can WALK!

Vince Russo suddenly materializes at the commentary table and yells, "SWERVE!"

Bret Hart turns and yells, "How did you get here Russo? Oh what a miracle...Christopher Reeves is standing. He can move!"

Security grabs Russo and pulls him away from the commentating table.

Meanwhile, Reeve clotheslines Droz right out of the wheelchair! The bell rings, as Reeves stomps the hell out of a prone Droz. Reeve contines to kick and stomp Droz as Droz lies there limp. Suddenly, Batman hits the ring and floors Reeve with a side kick. Reeve falls to the outside and walks away. Wait, Batman has taken off his mask--It's Samu the Fat Samoan!

Winner- by DQ-Droz

Bret Hart shrugs and mentions, "Well it couldn't be a legends of wrestling show without any samoans. Man, I hate sidekicks. That fag HBK uses that move. And that dumb jew Goldberg gave me a concussion with one."

* * *

(Camera has Todd Pettingil in the janitor's closet with Jake Roberts. Jake is smoking crack.)

Todd asks, "Mr.Roberts can you tell me if Damien the snake will be here tonight?"

Jake replies, "...ugh...this crack sucks. What'd you say about my penis?"

Todd asks, "Huh?"

"Wanna see it? It's like a snake."

Todd asks again, "No, where is Damien?"

"I sold him for crack, but I got this new snake I stole from the zoo's garbage can. His name is ...well his name, I forgot."

Todd looks at the snake and says, "The snake is dead Jake."

Jake angrily says, "You'll be dead too if you don't get me more crack! Get me some more crack. Hey, crack rhymes with quack...quack..."

Todd sighs and shakes his head, "Back to ringside."

* * *

Bret Hart looks into the camera and says, "Hey Jake , The Dynamite Kid has some good crack...um…so I hear. Damnit, Vince is trying to screw me again!"

Ahmed rolls his eyes and says, "…shit"

Bret smiles, looks into the camera, and says, "Ladies and gentlemen, WELCOME to the Legends of Wrestling special, the PPV that the jackal bastard Vince McMahon has nothing to do with, so you won't see smut and boobs. I PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE!"

Ahmed frowns and says, "Jigga, the show be started albreaby. We be an hour or sumfin into it."

Bret angrily points out, "Goldberg kicked me in the head, you know!"

Ahmed retorts, "Pussyfart, I be injurjued over sevenbyhuntrid people in tree weeks alone, you need stop being such a prraoh ahrronn asfkke."

Bret ignores Ahmed and says, "It's time for our next match!"

Ahmed says, "Fuck that beeyotch, it be time fo' a sammich. YO' NIGGA ASS CORNDOG MOFO!"

(Ahmed hops the railing, eating childrens' cotton candy as he heads towards the refreshment stands.)

Bret sighs and says, "Looks like those bastard Americans have left it up to me to take control. Here's our next match."

* * *

B. Brian Blair vs. Brad Armstrong—"No one ever Cared About Me" match

Bret says, "B. Brian Blair and I fought at a house show in 1988. Afterwards, Vince told me, 'Great match Bret, you have a good future' Yeah--A FUTURE OF BEING SCREWED BY YOU, YOU BASTARD AMERICAN JACKAL! YOU ARE AMERICA'S ENEMA HOLE!"

(B. Brian Blair and Brad Armstrong shake hands, proving why nobody ever cared about them. Side headlock by Armstrong goes nowhere, and he breaks after 6 minutes. Armstrong then gets on the mic.)

Brad says, "I just want everyone to know that I wrestled for over 19 years, and I don't believe that NOBODY cared about me. So what I want to know, is if you think old Brad had a fan, GIMME A HELL YEAH!"

(Armstrong holds up the mic, and is met with silence, until someone throws a  
giant rock at him.)

Bret shakes his head and says, "Stupid Americans not caring about the wrestlers, and I'll be caught getting head from Sunn--err, I mean, I'll be a monkey's uncle! B. Brian Blair hit his FINISHER, the Sunset Flip! God, no wonder people don't care about this tardo."

B. Brian turns around and says, "Hey Bret, that hurts."

Bret yells, "Shut up Brian! You're worse than Jumping Jim! And he's a freaking hoser!"

(Tears well up in Blair's eyes, as Brad Armstrong hits HIS finisher, the Russian Leg Sweep!)

Bret sarcastically says, "And now Armstrong has hit a move that everyone else uses three minutes into a match. Way to go, dickwad!"

(At this point, Ahmed wanders into the ring, wearing nothing but a bandana, and devouring hot dogs by the dozen.)

Ahmed grabs a mic and yells, "Shizza nabuga withao hssie sdelew yoru!"

Brad squints and asks, "Uh…pardon me?"

Ahmed replies, "Jigga I be not talkin to be the you be the one I be talking be to me be talking to!"

Blair asks, "Well, were you talking to me?"

Ahmed shakes his head and says, "Sorry, I be no talk to child molester. BEEEEE-YOTCH, 187 with my dick in yo mouth!"

Bret earnestly says into the camera, "Ladies and gentlemen, this just in--VINCE MCMAHON KILLED OWEN HART! That's right folks, he killed my brother. What do you think of that, jackal?"

Suddenly, there's a rumbling noise heard and felt throughout the arena. Everyone's looking around trying to see where it's coming from.

Ahmed figures it out first and says, "Bret! You wife be here, you honky ass jibbamow awask erwo!"

Bret, wide-eyed, says, "Wha...what...NOOOOOO!"

(The hoof of Julie Hart crashes through the ceiling, and her giant fat hand reaches in and grabs B. Brian Blair, swallowing him whole. Julie screams in an angry drunken rage and stomps away.)

Bret, cowering under the announce table asks, "I-Is she gone?"

Ahmed nods, "You be knowing be it be."

Brad, realizing that his opponent was just eaten, happily exclaims, "I won? I WON! YES!"

Bret faces the camera and says, "We were going to give the winner of this match a promo spot, but we've decided to go backstage folks, where Ric Flair is preparing for his match! Because people actually cared about Flair before he turned 83."

* * *

(Camera cuts backstage where Flair's veins are bursting through his forehead as he shrieks.)

Ric yells, "MISSY HYATT! LEGENDS OF WRESTLING! TONIGHT! To be the man, you gotta beat the man! WHOOOO! You gotta walk that aisle, you gotta beat this jet-flying, limousine riding, kiss stealin' son of a gun! Tonight, I'm gonna' take you to Space Mountain, WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!"

(Urine streaks down Flair's leg as he spits random Whoo's out at rapid pace.)

Michael Cole asks, "Mr. Flair, how do you plan on defeating Missy Hyatt?"

"WHOOO!"

Michael asks, "Will your son David ever return my calls?"

"BEAT THE MAN! WALK THAT AISLE!"

Michael pleads, "I'll even be bottom EVERY time, just get him to call me. I miss  
his tender kiss."

Ric just stands there, wild-eyed, looking into the camera yelling, "The Naaaaaature Boy! Whoo!"

Michael shrugs and says, "Well...guess I'll go sodomize a grade schooler."

* * *

(We cut back to the ring where our next match has already started.)

Bret Hart yells, "Holy motherloving crap! Not even Vince McMahon could screw over that move! I've never even seen it! Ahmed, describe that in detail for anyone who missed it!"

Ahmed answers, "Well, you be seeing, the thing be that you be taking the arm and jibbawak kruqafo beritf aofgee and THEN jiburo jawa raboanwo."

Bret raises an eyebrow and replies, "That's the best description I've ever heard. That is, since a giant jew kicked me in the head and turned me into a bitter retard. Well, Bubba Ray Dudley is down to his bra and panties, and now it's just Sable vs. D-Von. Sable rips the shirt off of D-Von!"

(All of a sudden, Jerry Lawler materializes out of nowhere.)

Jerry excitedly yells, "PUPPIES! PUPPIES! HAHAHAHAHAHA, you got that JR? Puppies!"

Bret says, "Hey Jerry, you said you couldn't come because it was your wife's birthday."

Ahmed looks at Jerry with curiosity and asks, "Yeah, you be lying to Ahmed?"

Jerry explains, "No, she's been in bed for hours. It's not every day a woman turns 14 you know. (Everyone gives Jerry a strange look.) I mean...my sweetie of 14 years. Uhh...BOOBIES! I FIND ADULT WOMEN ATTRACTIVE!"

(Lawler throws a smoke bomb and vanishes somewhere in Ahmed's stomach.)

Bret says, "Folks, Sable has yanked the pants off of D-Von, and I'm sure that's not the first time she's yanked the pants off a stranger in less than two seconds. Your winner of the bra and panties match is Sable!"

Rena "Sable" Mero happily exclaims, "I won! I won! I...wait a minute, if I win, I don't get to strut around naked, whoring myself out?"

Ahmed says, "Hey you honky bitch, show Ahmed you boobie and snatch or get out!"

Sable angrily replies, "I don't have to take this! I'm a star!"

Bret rolls his eyes and says, "Oh come on Sable, Vince screwed you worse than me! At least I got to go to WCW for a while. What about YOUR career?"

"Uh...I-I'm going to be on an upcoming episode of 'VH-1 Where Are They Now', so step off, ass!"

Ahmed replies, "Hey, I be the one who shat in yo bed! That is to say, I be shit in it."

Sable snarls and says, "I can't believe yo--hey, is that 3 dollars? How'd you like to feel the GRIND up close and personal? By that, I mean I'll let you invade my bunghole."

Ahmed smirks and says, "Lady, I be havin buttsex affair wif da Tammy Sytch after deez shows. Sorry S-diddy."

Bret angrily says, "What? That three-timing slut! Damn jackals, Vince is behind this!"

(Sable stands around awkwardly, not knowing what to do, so she strips naked to no crowd response. She proceeds to masturbate with a parking cone, with no response. Finally she leaves, weeping that her life is nothing more than a few moments of exposing her breasts and being known worldwide as a stuck up whore. Then she realizes she married Marc Mero and slits her wrists, never to be seen again.)

Bret says, "Ladies and gentlemen, and people who aren't gentlemen LIKE VINCE MCMAHON THE BASTARD, it's time for our first main event! Let's go to the ring for Michael Buffer!"

* * *

Michael Buffer is in the middle of the ring. He yells, "LLLLLLETS GET RRRR—"

(Buffer drops the mic and leaves, lighting up a smoke on the way out.)

Bret asks, "Hey Buffer what gives?"

Michael replies, "Hey, I only got paid 18,000 dollars for this spot, you only get four seconds of Rumble magic for that."

(Bret and Ahmed look at each other.)

Bret asks, "You got paid?"

Michael's eyes dart back and forth and he says, "Uh, gotta go!"

(Buffer runs out as Bret turns red with rage.)

Bret yells, "Damn that Vince McMahon, killing my brother and not paying me for this show! If I didn't get my brain broken by that jew, I'd fight Vince right now!"

Ahmed replies, "I be gettin paid in aminal crackas, you cracka!"

(Ahmed devours 7 boxes of animal crackers as Ric Flair heads to the ring.)

Bret says, "Ric Flair, one of the last few people with dignity in this business. He's about wrestling. He's about class. He's about everything that Vince McMahon ISN'T about, that damn bastard jackal American!"

Ahmed yells, "AND HERE COME HIS OPNOEBTEN!"

(Missy Hyatt comes strutting out, wearing nothing but bottle caps and shoestring.)

Bret throws his arms up in frustration and says, "Oh great, here we go, bring out the T and A, where's McMahon? I NEED TO PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!"

Ahmed nods and says, "And I be needbin some orul sebux!"

(Missy rushes to the announce booth and has Ahmed's pants down within 1/4th of a second.)

Bret says, "Missy, you're supposed to be taking on Ric Flair for the title of Best Chest In The West!"

Missy absent-mindedly replies, "Oh. (Stands to feet, wipes mouth off.) Sorry. HEEEEE-YAAAH!"

Bret announces, "Missy Hyatt charges Ric Flair. Flair ducks and hits a big chop! And another! And another!"

* * *

(Suddenly we go backstage where the corpse of Gordon Solie is waiting.)

A stage hand walks behind the corpse and begins shaking it violently to mock it's "talking" while reading a script. "Gordon Solie" says, "...ladies and gentlemen, this just in! Hulk Hogan wants to steal the spotlight from Ric Flair again, so here he is with a very special announcement!"

(Hogan walks in, flexing and huffing.)

Hulk excitedly says, "Well you know something brother dude, I'm hip with the changing times, so don't make me kick your...ASS!"

(Hogan gives a big thumbs-up waiting for a giant crowd pop, but is met with nothing but the sound of Gordon Solie's chin falling from his body to the floor.)

Hulk stammers, "Uh...anyway, I just wanted to say brother dude, I just wanted to let everyone know dude that the Hulkster has finished the script for Suburban Commando 2 brother! Take a look!"

(Hogan hands it to the cameraman.)

The cameraman replies, "Hey, this is just 800 pages of the lyrics to 'Real American'! What gives?"

Hulk says, "Uh...look over there brother!"

(The camera turns to see nothing, as Hogan escapes. Now we go back to the ring.)

* * *

Bret exclaims, "Oh my sweet lord, Missy Hyatt has reversed the Figure Four and Ric Flair can't counter, because her tits are so giant! And here comes Arn Anderson to help Ric Flair! He's in the ring! He must have some type of weapon in his pant--what is he doing?

Ahmed points out, "Look at that honky cracka, with his shrivelt lil worm of a wang. That mus be eleventeen inchimeters smaller than Ahmed be!"

Bret asks, "Why is Arn taking off his pants? How does this possibly help Flair? What type of hold is that?"

Ahmed answers, "He be getting his wang mouthified! Nigga I know you trippin from that kick in the skull, cuz you be doin that holb on Sunny all the time in the 9-6!"

Bret says, "Flair is in an amateur wrestling position!"

Ahmed frowns and corrects him, "Cracka, he be takin her from the backside! Shoot, Ahmed gonna get some of this!"

(Ahmed hops the rail and leaps into the ring, and the Missy Hyatt gangbang is on!)

Bret yells, "Missy Hyatt may not have the Best Chest in the West, but I swear that you could fit my wife's hoof in that cave she calls a vagina! Wait, what's that stomping! The earth is shaking! MY WIFE IS COMING BACK! GOD NO!"

(Dusty Rhodes charges the ring.)

Bret holds a hand over his chest in relief. He says, "Oh thank God. Dusty's cleaning house, elbow to Flair! Elbow to Arn! Handjob from Missy! Elbow to Ahmed! And Rhodes is taking off his shirt...THE AMERICAN SPLOTCH IS BRALESS! HE'S GOT THE BEST CHEST IN THE WEST! Your winner is Dusty Rhodes!"

Ahmed points out, "Somefing I dont be understanding. Why the Flair and Missy even be fighting if all Dusty be haffing to do is show his grotesquitated nipples to win?"

Bret nods and replies, "Interesting, but I have a question too. What are you doing back at the announce table if Dusty Rhodes just elbowed you in the ring?"

Ahmed's eyes dart back and forth quickly and he says, "Uh...we'z be right bisnack!"

Bret angrily says, "No we won't, jackal! We've got another match!"

Ahmed nods and says, "Yeah it be the main events...shit nigga why can't a black man be's in dit?"

* * *

(Camera cuts to ring, as Rocky Johnson is there sporting a ref's shirt. He looks drunk.)

Rocky grabs a mic and yells, "Finally the Rock's dad has came back to New Finland! Man, there's some hot 13 year olds in the crowd tonight. Um…anyway, I'm the special ref AND ring announcer for the MAIN EVENT! This next match is a 'beer on a pole' match. First from Miami, Florida...weighing in at 275lbs...Scott 'Razor Ramon' Hall!" (Hall stumbles towards the ring wearing jeans, and a white t-shirt that has the word "drunk 24-7" written in blue ink)

"And his opponent from TEAM SNAKE, being accompanied by his fat daughter, Jake 'The Snake' Roberts!" (Jake is walking to the ring in his under pants. His large gut is 'dunlapping' over as he is also dragging a bag. Many think a snake is in there, but he reveals the contents--a porno mag, a bong, and a bag of a "white powdery" substance")

MAIN EVENT-Beer on a Pole: Scott Hall vs Jake "The Snake" Roberts

Bret asks, "What is that white powdery substance? Mmmmmm...sweet crack..."

Ahmed nods and says, "You know what dat shit be...my people sprinkle that shit on waffles..."

Jake grabs the mic.

"This is for all the women who want to fuck me, and for all the men who wanna suck me! Are you ready for the TEAM SNAKE? Anyone wanna' join? Well just send me some smack, crack, or some jack. Now I have a bone to pick with tonight's promoter who will remain nameless...cuz' frankly I forgot his name...LOOK INTO MY EYES YOU SON OF A BITCH...I'm not gonna' work this match unless I get paid with some cocaine right now!"

Jake sits down in mid ring and starts to play with his gut as the crowd is in awe, as the flubber flies. Hall now has the mic.

"Hey yo...Snake mang. I came here for one reason, and one reason only…I heard there's gonna' be free booze for the winner. And I forgot how the script to this match ends, so I'm just gonna' take the beer and we all go home happy OK?"

Jake sits down as he now takes off his underwear. He is completely nude in the ring, and he starts to play with his penis in center ring. An excited Pat Patterson tries to rush the ring but Hall knocks him off the apron with a stiff right hand. Roberts sneaks up on Hall and probes him with the bong! Roberts then spins him around and plants him with a DDT on a crack pipe. The pipe is broke, as Jake realizes this and begins to cry. He tries to piece it back together but Hall is up.

He exits the ring, and looks under the apron. He drags out a casket! It's the remains of Owen hart! The only thing that is left is his limp arm. Hall enters the ring with it and bashes Roberts over the head with it. Roberts is down, as Hall begins to masturbate Jake with Owen's rotted hand. Hall then begins to climb the pole reaching up for the beer. Rocky Johnson pulls Hall down and throws some of Jake's crack in his eyes! Jake sees this and begins to cry.

Jake yells, "NOOOO...SWEET MERCIFUL CRACK!"

He tries to lick the crack off Hall's eyes, while Johnson retrieves the beer, and runs to the back. _DING! DING! DING!_

* * *

(Backstage footage shows Rocky Johnson entering the men's restroom with the beer. He is alone…except for the janiotor. Wait, it's Kip James! Kip James slaps Johnson in the face with the mop and locks him in a stall.)

The "Legens of Wrastling" logo is shown on the screen. But it is then eaten by Julie Hart. Then Julie Hart is eaten by Jake's fat daughter.

The end.

Thanks for reading and it'd be awesome of you if you reviewed!


	3. The PPV with Commercials REPOST

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, man.

_**Originally written around early '06—please keep that in mind when reading this. Oh, and this is also the last "backdated" PPV—from here on out, all PPV's I pull out of my ass will be up-to-date.**_

* * *

Folks, I received a message from MY lord—the great Tank R. Ray—to come up with another of my classic Pay-per-views. So here it is—another PPV for the ages, except it won't be legends-only this time, but it'll be for current stars. Oh, and it'll have commercials, too—yeah, I know that PPV's don't typically have commercials in them, but this one does, so deal. 

We cut to the arena, which is an old boxing gym. The ring is old, but the canvas is made of plywood that is painted light blue to resemble a WWE ring canvas. The entranceway is a giant cardboard box with "Legens of Wrasling" crossed out and the words "Wresling PPV Speshul" scribbled in black marker. (Again, I know that "wrestling" and "special" are spelled wrong.)

The show opens with pyro—sparklers set on both sides of the entranceway---your broadcast team is Jim Ross (who is still a muppet), and Jerry Lawler (who is still a worthless fag).

HHH and the McMahons hit the ring for our opening 30-minute interview. Highlights include HHH talking about himself, Vince making weird facial expressions, Shane trying to feel Stephanie's ass, and Stephanie eating a box of spare ribs. HHH brings up Taboo Tuesday and that the internet fans have voted that his match will be a hell in a cell match. Vince McMahon announces the opponent that the fans voted for, he proclaims the 3rd place vote getter was Stevie Richards--and the fans laugh. Vince then says the 2nd place vote getter was "some guy named Goatse". Vince states that letting the morons of the internet vote might have been a bad idea. But Randy Orton (shocker) got the most votes. The fans groan, knowing that they'll see this match every week until next year. In another surprising twist, Benoit comes out and brawls with everyone, setting up another tag team match. This time Orton and Benoit will face HHH and Vince.

Commercials: Cop hassles fat Jack Osborne for eating Whoppers, and downloading music off the mighty internet. (I know Jack isn't fat anymore, but in MY PPV, he is again.)

* * *

We come back to the…show and Flair lacing up his boots for his upcoming match with Shelton Benjamin. We see Shelton's dark figure seeking past Flair and grabbing the TV from the corner of the room. Flair looks up and catches Benjamin in his stereotypical act. Benjamin drops the TV and Flair chases him out to the ring where we have our first match of the night... 

Ric Flair vs. Shelton Benjamin in a Watermelon on a pole match…

Benjamin hits the ring first and Flair follows soon after, his magical man boobs jiggle like only they can. They exchange punches and Benjamin bests Flair by flipping him out of the ring. Benjamin goes after the watermelon but Flair pulls him down and chops him, and chops him again, and again, and again, and again, until Benjamin spins him around and chops him, then chops him some more. They exchange chops for the better part of the match until Flair pokes him in the eye and begins to work Benjamin's knee, before locking on the figure-four. Benjamin fights and is about to go down and out until he catches a glimpse of that watermelon, and he fights out and goes to work on Flair. He hammers Flair, every shot making Flair's skin flop more and more. Flair tries to mount a comeback but Benjamin spin kicks Flair in the head and Climbs the pole to retrieve the precious watermelon. Your winner--Shelton Benjamin

Commercials: Homeless man does a song and dance from the 1920's to make his candy bar open up.

* * *

Back from commercial we go right into the returning Tommy Dreamer's Super Sloppy Double Dare Show, Dreamer eats some dog shit before introducing this week's guest: Kane. We see highlights of Lita losing baby after baby. _(Yeah, I decided to recreate that l'il storyline there and of course, put my own twist on it.)_

Kane's music hits and he slowly walks to the ring, pushing a stroller. He carries the stroller into the ring and places it in front of Dreamer. Dreamer asks Kane how he's doing. Kane shows no emotion and says he's fine. Kane looks around like he's hearing voices. "Tommy! Do you hear that?" Kane asks.

"Hear what?" Dreamer responds.

"Jeffery says he can't wait to see daddy destroy Lita!"

"Jeffery?" Dreamer asks.

Kane then pulls a fetus out of the stroller by its umbilical cord.

"Yes, Jeffery." Kane says still without emotion.

Dreamer's eyes open wide and he grabs the fetus and takes a huge bite out of it. Kane screams like a little girl and attacks Dreamer punching him in the stomach until Dreamer vomits. Kane them scoops up the chunk of fetus and put it in the stroller before heading to the back.

We cut to Randy Orton arriving at the arena. A homeless transsexual comes up to him and asks for change. "No Jeff Hardy, fuck off." says Orton, and he walks away.

Commercials: Eagles players proclaim that they play well on the road because not only does Donovan McNabb's mom give them Campbell's soup, but she gives good head as well.

* * *

We return from commercial to see Kane duct taping the fetus back together. We then go to our 2nd match of the night. 

Sharmell vs. Victoria

Victoria comes out first, then Sharmell. Sharmell has rubbed black shoe polish all over her body in an attempt to be black. We cut to a pre match promo where Sharmell says she will wrestle as a member of every race before the end of the year. Standard match until a big brawl ensues with all the divas. Stevie Richards runs out in drag and cleans house, setting up his women's title match against Trish at the next PPV--(which he will likely lose). The ref signals for the bell and rules this match a no-contest.

Commercials: Fatter Jack Osborne is nailing a sheet of plywood to the side of his van, he then puts fake grass and a flamingo on it, he gets back into his van and a cop walks up and standing on the fake grass. "Don't you have anyplace to be, whopperhead?" the cop says. "No this is my home," Fatter Jack says "And you're on my front lawn." He then bites into a whopper with gusto and drives away.

Back from commercial a promo airs for the new, mean Hurricane. Hurricane is shown running through New Orleans, laughing at those who have lost their homes, spinning in circles while pushing people over.

* * *

Back to the ring for the 3rd match of the night... 

Tyson Tomko vs. Shawn Michaels

Tomko spends the match wishing he was Batista, but is still glad he's not Luther Reigns. It finally gets the better of him, allowing Michaels to score an easy win. In the crowd we see the sign police tackling a guy who has an "HBK is GAY" sign. Your winner—Shawn Michaels.

Commercials: Koreans, not to be outdone by the Chinese and their butt tube antics, make their candy bar open up by playing DDR really well.

Great Moments in Wrestling segment airs showing a coked up, naked Jimmy Snuka being chased by police dogs.

* * *

To the fourth match of the night... 

RVD and Fatdust—er, I mean GOLDust vs. La Resistance w/Pat Patterson on a leash.

La Resistance try to use Pat Patterson as a weapon but RVD and Goldie get the win. Post match, Patterson strips to his underwear and reminds Sylvain Grenier how he got his job while spanking him. He puts the leash on Grenier and keeps saying something about "The Taint".

HHH is in the back with Vince, making a caveman drawing of the night's game plan on the wall. Vince doesn't understand.

Commercial: A series of children's drawings made after close friends ad relatives have died/gone to jail for drugs. One picture shows someone in a bath tub, which makes you wonder, did that person spill their coke in the tub and try to snort up all the water?

* * *

Now its time for our Main event: 

HHH and Vince vs. Orton and Benoit.

Benoit is getting shorter and shorter as time goes on. His head is also getting wider and wider. HHH does his two moves before Flair and Benjamin run out and cause a DQ. Linda McMahon waddles out and announces that next week, they'll all wrestle in a six man tag match.

Jim Ross ends the show by screaming like an ass about how groundbreaking the six man tag match will be.

The end. I hope you enjoyed my…show.

Thanks for reading, please review!


	4. The first PPV of 2007!

Disclaimer: I don't own a motherfucking thing.

Hey, guess what? I'm tipsy _again_. You know, I really have to stop drinking—I know this, ok? I mean, everyone has their vices, right? Right. Well, mine just happens to be gin. Hey, in fact, I just invented a drink! I tasted it tonight, and it lit me up, baby! I call it a gin and whiskey! Take a wild guess as to what's in it. Go ahead…guess.

Aaaaaanyway, thanks to my altered state of mind, I'm privileged to bring you yet another one of my…pay-per-views--the first one of '07, I might add. As per usual, I like to take a whole bunch of wrestlers form other promotions and confine them to a pseudo-WWE PPV where I'm in charge of the writing. Just think of the ratings! Yep, think about 'em. Doesn't that excite you?

…yeah, I fucking _thought_ it did. So let the party begin!

* * *

The show starts with Breasts Wilson charging to the ring, as the guest announcer for this match. However, once the hard black microphone is placed in her hand, she instinctively begins stroking it wildly. One day she'll learn the difference between a microphone and Faarooq's dong. But not today.

With that, the show ends.

Or at least the entertaining portions of it.

MATCH #1: REY "DON'T CALL ME JUNIOR MYSTERIOUSLY" MYSTERIO VS. RENE "DONT CALL ME REY DUPREE MISTERIOSIO" DUPREE

We start the match and we immediately notice the black eye that Rene Dupree has as a result of "standing too close" to Hardcore Holly in the urinals. A lockup to start quickly turns into a nice visual example of everything that is wrong with modern hip hop dance. Unfortunately, it wasn't supposed to be.

Rey stops doing the sprinkler and hits something like 17 or 18 powerbombs onto a bed of nails. Either that, or armdrags and bulldogs, I dunno. Dupree gets out of the ring, grabs a microphone and belches the French alphabet! THAT ARROGANT BASTARD! Breasts Wilson is appaled outside the ring, and wishes French people had class. Then she hikes up her shorts a bit more, unbuttons every button on her shirt and gives Michael Cole a lapdance while licking whipped cream off of Tazz's perfectly erect nipples.

This distracts Dupree long enough to let Rey hit him with Left Analog Taunt, aka the SIX ONE NINE! And he wins!

Winner: Everybody Loves Reymond Mysterio

* * *

Backstage, a generic Asian heel watches Torrie with delight. I bet they don't have boobs in Japan, huh?

I think next PPV, I'm going to have an arm wrestling tournament. I'm sure you can see why I'm going this route, because clearly, being good at arm wrestling makes you an excellent wrestler that draws millions of dollars.

Just ask Scott Norton. (_If you don't know who he is, let's just say that I've made my point._)

Meanwhile backstage, Konnan and Booker T talk about old times. Like how they hated WCW so much for holding them down, and the politics and the glass ceiling. Then the Undertaker walks in, and they feel like shooting themselves for thinking the WWE was any different.

Also, Booker is wearing a giant goldfish costume for some reason, and keeps ending every sentence with, "NOW GIMME SOME BREADED SALMON!"

Oops, looks like I mistook the Undertaker with a whore—she turns around and it's actually Candace Michelle. She's there to get Konnan and Booker mad at each other, AND IT WORKS! Now Orlando Jordan is SURE to win! Looks like all those years of Tae-Bo will pay off tonight, eh Orlando?

Moving on, we have Carlito with afro and apple. BUT BOTH OF THEM ARE WITHOUT THE COVETED UNITED STATES TITLE BELT! They're upset that Stone Cold Orton has outsmarted them again! Next week, he'll give everyone the finger! Just like 1998! Someone...please think it's like 1998.

Meanwhile, in another area backstage, RVD talks to Rey Macaroni-O's. I didn't know he spoke Mexicanese. But up next, he faces off against KENZO TAMAGACHI SUZUKI TOYOTA.

* * *

MATCH #2: Rob Van Dangitalltoheck w/o a care in the world vs. Guy from Asia who is therefore evil—otherwise known as Kenzo Suzuki! Oh yeah, Kenzo's wife accompanies him down to ringside.

This match really surprises me. Not so much because it's good, since it isn't, but because of the amount of urine that one man can swallow. Let's just say that they could really market Kenzo as Kenzo "5 gallons of pee in my stomach" Suzuki. I'm guessing he hits several chops, applies nerve holds and the announcers tell everyone he is very schooled in martial arts. And I'm guessing RVD does a monkey flip that makes Michael Cole orgasm. That is, if robots can orgasm.

Rob then channels the ghost of George Hackenschmidt and starts slapping Kenzo's wife around (according to history, 'ol Hack was a notorious slapper of Asian girls). He goes up for the 5-star frog splash. But here comes Kenzo's cheap, modestly-dressed SKANK! Kenzo steals her oh so delicate ribbon, and viciously attacks Van Dam with it.

Van Dam, to sell the injury and get over the viciousness of silk ribbon, blades his throat several times. Torrie Wilson suddenly appears in the ring, and says, "My boobs are large." So Kenzo hauls off and kicks her in the teeth, which is Japanese for "desires sexual intercourse with her".

Akira Hokuto hops over the audience railing and starts slapping Torrie with a fan, a kendo stick, ancient throwing salt, and various other generic Asian foreign objects. Torrie's boobs don't like that, and they attack.

You haven't lived until you've seen augmented breasts snapmare a frail Kabuki girl.

Winner: I can't remember, I think I was talking about Kenzo's boobs?

* * *

Now we come to the high point of the show, "A VERY SAMOAN JOSEPH POTLUCK DINNER".

Joe thanks everyone for coming, and invites Tazz, Michael Cole, and some other people who have equal amount of fagness into the ring. He's prepared a delicious meal for them all. And it looks delicious. Everything is there, except they can't eat the apple.

Tazz is tempted by B.G. James though, and eats it anyway. He convinces Cole to eat it as well, and Samoa Joe finds out and is saddened. Tazz is ashamed, nude, and can never again return to the Garden of Eden.

Also, Snitsky came out and shoved a pie in some girls face. Why? BECAUSE HE'S EVIL. In fact, I've just ordered the next PPV, because I'm willing to PAY to see this PIE SHOVER get his come uppance—that is, if he's even IN it!

Ironically, the segment ends with the very same girl shoving a pie into Samoa Joe's face. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING FROM SNITSKY'S WICKEDNESS? Samoa Joe, of course, eats her.

Here comes Kurt Angle with The State Patrol. Wow, good to see those guys got signed. I always liked Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker.

He calls out anyone in the back, and the call is immediately answered by a drunken, angry Sandman. He rambles on about how the Leprechaun movies are misunderstood pieces of classic American cinema.

Suddenly, Snitsky KILLS HIM. Upon hearing that he wasn't a baby, Snitsky KILLS SOME BABIES! Man, this guy is EVIL! Then he bakes a pie out of the babies' bodies and Tyson Tomko SHOVES IT IN SOMEBODIES FACE! Oh man!

While all that is happening, Kurt Angle pins Cody "Do you think I look like Edge?" Steel.

Some dude in the audience is holding up a sign that reads, "I may be in the minority, but I really like these PPV's, Al!"

Well, I may be in the minority too, but that's because I'm a black woman. Talk about a minority!

Oh wait, so I'm not! Well that's a relief!

Meanwhile, JBL is on medication. That's good. The bad news?

THE MEDICATION IS VIAGRA! HE'S GOING TO RAPE SHANNON MOORE, FOLKS! So as he's busy with that, let's go on to match three…

* * *

Match #3: Victoria vs. Jackie Moore

This match doesn't go long. Why? Victoria shoots, and _actually_ scalps Jackie. Blood is everwhere. But Jackie suddenly respawns a new head of hair, and Victoria is forced to call in Tatanka.

PAPOOSE TO GO ON MISS JACKIE!

PAPOOSE TO GO ON RING ANNOUNCER TONY CHIMEL!

PAPOOSE TO GO ON CHARLIE HAAS!

And in the craziest moment of the night...

PAPOOSE TO GO ON A WAX STATUE OF JIM NEIDHART!

Winner: Who? (_Older wrestling fans will probably get that one._)

Hey, you know that the WWE is going back to Iraq? Well, good for them. Mohammad Hassan can wrestle in front of his home crowd, and bask in the cheers of his native land.

* * *

ALLEGED MAIN EVENT: BOOKKONNAN VS. ORLANDOSHAW

But first, let's have an ad for this weeks Raw. HHH vs. Everyone on Raw. And the week after that? HHH vs. Superman! He's so awesome—if you don't believe me, ask Stephanie and Vince.

Both teams enter in cars, and I immediately long for the forgotten classic from Halloween Havoc '95.

Back to the match, Bradshaw shows why he was world champ by putting on a wrestling clinic with Konnan. They trade holds on the mat for what seems like 40 minutes. Actually, it was 11 seconds, and Bradshaw starts shoulder-blocking everything in sight! Those turnbuckles didn't do ANYTHING to you, you EVIL HEEL! Well, they are responsible for the death of your children, but still.

Booker and Orlando tag in and we've got two black guys in the main event. Immediately, a squadron of flying pigs zoom into the arena and Satan appears in the ring, asking if anyone has a sweater because he is freezing.

A bunch of gay crap happens, like Konnan donning a sombrero and selling poorly made puppets, and Booker hitting axe kicks like 17 times. Then the Bashams show up and say, "Hey, if they're going to push lame generic guys in the main event, why not us?" And I agree. Seeing as Snitsky is a baby murderer and Carlito stabbed Orton, they start lynching Booker T, and JBL totally pins Konnan, who was minding his own business at his homemade burrito stand.

Winners: Bradshaw and Virgil

OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH! If there's one thing undead zombies HATE, it's billionaires and their negro slaves! And Undertaker proves it by hobbling around all zombie like! THIS SHOW FUCKING ROCKED!

We fade to black…

…but not before Torrie's boobs are flashed on the screen once more.

The End.

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Thanks for reading, now please push the review button and 'lemme know what you think. 


	5. It's Baaaaaaack! The First PPV of 2012!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. I'm just trying to tell a story, dude.

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Hot-DAMN, it's been a long time since my last PPV, right? Riiiiight. Lol, I'm feeling creative today and, as you MAY or may not remember—in MY PPVs, I don't just stick to one wrestling organization, because I'm just an…unsanctioned kinda' guy! So, here I go again, pulling yet ANOTHER PPV outta my ass for YOUR (hopeful) entertainment! Let's go!

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The cameraman pans over a capacity crowd of just over 200 and we're LIVE, baby! LIIIIIVE…at the 2nd Monumental Presbyterian Church of Chicago's basement. All proceeds go toward getting the pastor's Cadillac out of the shop.

Ahem! Anywho, here we are in Chicago, which I guess is attributable to Chi-town Presby giving me a discount for booking the church two nights. What else are they gonna' watch, the Cubs? Nah, the Cubs fuckin' SUCK, dude! Eheheheee!

And Cena starts the show with a cascade of boos meeting his entrance. The entranceway is the set of double-doors in the back of the basement, they're decorated with leftover Christmas lights and sparklers someone picked up form some dude selling them in front of a McDonald's.

Anyway, Cena seems nonplussed by the lack of love, and the few people there rooting for him make a spirited effort to avoid being drowned out. He goes to the ring and holds up the belt, then assesses the Chicago mob before getting a mic. Cena tells them to stop the music so he can really hear how much Chicago hates him. He still seems unaffected by their reaction, then tells them the champ is STILL here. Wow, so that's what 20,000 assholes puckering sounds like... Who knew?

He gives us the quick recap of how he and Trips beat the hell out of each other, in case we just came out of hibernation or something (nice Bears shot, Cena). He then tells us it was about the belt, and that it's not about winning a popularity contest. It's about hitting hard, fighting hard, and standing tall no matter what the circumstances. However, the crowd tells him he sucks, just to interrupt.

Then HHH gets an intro. Chicago churches love HHH, who always brings his famous pound cake to their bake sales. Then, he usually requests to go over clean on the hospitality ministry leader. Anyway, Trips goes to the ring, then looks disdainfully at the crowd, who cheer for him anyway. _(Christ, and I thought we were anti-marks in Philly...)  
_  
Hunter walks up to Cena and gives him the hairy eyeball from behind a set of cheap Rayban knockoffs, then looks around the place a bit. A 'You tapped out' cheer begins, so HHH offers his hand to Cena. Cena looks him up and down, then shoulders his belt and walks up to shake. HHH pulls away, which the crowd likes. HHH calls Cena a tough kid, because the whole world saw him kick his ass last night - but he found a way to win. And he's pissed off about it. Not at Cena, though, at himself. He made the same mistake everyone that's gotten in the ring with Cena has made - he underestimated Cena.

The crowd chants 'You tapped out', so HHH tells him, "That's right. I tapped out. Because I underestimated the Champ. But it will NEVER happen AGAIN." Triple H then says that the way he sees it, the belt is HIS, and he wants another shot. Edge comes out with a Lita—(I offered Lita 50 bucks and a Snapple to appear tonight) and calls a halt. He says the problem with HHH is that he thinks he owns the place, and that he thinks he should get all the title shots he wants. But it is not so. HHH had his shot, and so now he should go to the back of the line and let someone else get a shot. Someone that WON at Wrestlemania. Someone that's PERFECT at Wrestlemania... Someone like him.

HHH agrees that Edge is perfect, but asks how many of those Wrestlemania wins were Main Events? Oh, that's right. NONE of them. HHH tells Edge to scram while the Main Event guys handle their business. Edge gets pissy and he and HHH trade barbs, which is pretty funny.

Cena talks some shit, then asks whomever makes the matches to have a match with HHH and Edge, the winner getting a shot. Edge begs off, then offers Cena a Handicap match against himself and HHH instead. Cena thinks about it, then agrees.

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Lillian Garcia tells us that this match next is for the belts—the AlKaholiK Tag Team Champeenship-and so Kane and Big Show come striding out. Kane gets his pyro, which is some dude in the back who sparys Lysol as he farts, which Chicago likes. Didn't the city burn down once already? Hm. Then, Beer Money comes out, and the two of them run in and they commence to gaiety. Kane and Show look on all incredulous, then the bell rings. Kane starts it off by swatting Roode, then a Scoop Slam. The kid backs into his partner for a blind tag, then Kane swats James Storm and Hip Tosses him into the ring. Scoop Slam onto Roode, then Kane hurls him into Storm. The Dudleys interfere, so Kane beats them off the apron and then charges the legal man.

The Dudleys pull the victim to safety, so Kane hits the post. One of them wings Kane's arm across the post, which turns the tide. They whomp on Kane a little, but he manages to make the tag. Show's in and he commences to cleaning house, but accidentally bumps the ref with DeVon. Beer Money run in and stop Show's impending Slam of their pal with a Missile Dropkick and the DWI, then revive the ref as one of them pins Show. 1-2-3. Yep, that pretty much TOTALLY devalues not only the straps. Nice work. **Dumbasses**.

And now, let's have Chris Masters come out. He doesn't even bother to make his poses, but instead gets into the ring and commences thrashing the Unknown Jobber, who's standing in the opposite ring corner. The announce crew wonder what his name is as Chris begins with a kick to the stomachand then a Military Press Slam…Full Nelson hooked on. Squash. The announcers still don't know his name, but it doesn't matter now.

Carlito comes out. Seems Masters goofed last night at the bar and that got Carlito flattened. Carlito gets in the ring and bites an apple. Masters swats it away, and Carlito stares at him a moment before spitting the apple in the face of the fallen jobber, who's still in the ring, by the way. Carlito and Masters look like they're on the same page now - and then Carlito flattens Masters into little pieces with the Fallback-breaker, then bashes Chris all over the place. Carlito gets another apple and spits it into Masters' face, then leaves.

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Okay, now it's time for the women's wrestling portion of the show…

Trish comes to the ring to a tepid welcome. Yeah, losers don't get parades. Ask a Vietnam veteran if you doubt me. Torrie Wilson bounces out next in a midriff t-shirt-and the underside of her boobs are hanging out of the bottom of the shirt, in case you were curious-so I guess this is a tag match. Yaaaaaaaay.

Candace Michelle comes out next, and her partner is Mickie James. Mickie comes out dressed as Trish, _(GOD, I loved "psycho" Mickey James, by the way!)_even with the same giggle start to her music, although it sounds like a merry-go-round after the laughter-yuck. Candace starts it off, so Trish puts her in a side headlock takeover. Candace tries a lariat, but Trish does that Matrix thingie she does. Trish hits the Handstand Headscissor, then tags in Torrie. Torrie starts to come in, so Candace tags Mickie. Mickie flattens Torrie, then knocks Trish off the apron and pins Torrie. 1-2-3. I have no idea what happened, since the camera focused on Trish being knocked to the floor, but probably the 'Mick Kick'. I wonder if Fit Finlay taught her that one?

* * *

The crowd is dead quiet right now, so let's send Chavo out. Chavo's still in the ring with the Meximusic playing, then they finally call Shelton Benjamin to the ring. Benji's looking to be working a 'cocky heel' deal tonight. Yeah, we need more of these nigg—um…I mean, people around. Sure.

Bell rings, so Chavo and SB go to chain wrestling all over the place. Chavo gets the upper hand, so SB backs off to break the momentum. Chavo ties up, so Benji gives him a kneelift. Chavo battles back with punches and kicks, staggering Shelton to the face corner. Chavo stomps all up in his ribs, then picks him up for an Irish Whip. Shelton hangs on, so Chavo dropkicks the air. Shelly tries to Back Body Drop him outside, but Chavo lands on the apron. Shelton knocks him off, so Chavito hits the floor.

Benji goes out after him and tosses him back inside for a Reverse Chinlock. The crowd gets behind Chavo, so he gets himself together and breaks loose, then Dropkicks the Champ flat. Benjamin back up, so Chavo hits a couple Back Body Drops. Shelton tries a pancake, but Chavo dropkicks him again. Shelton goes for the Irish Whip to the farside and attempts the Splash, but Chavo dodges it. Shelton gets the Three Amigos off, then goes for the Frog Splash. Shelton dodges it, then hits the T-Bone Release Suplex. 1-2-3. And I'm thinking right now that Uncle Eddie is disappointed in Chavo…again. Nothing new there, right Chavito?

Chavo tries to puzzle out what went wrong, and the crowd tries to encourage him. Chavo slaps himself in the brainpan, then looks skyward. Yeah, that match was for you, Eddy. Nice, huh? Hope you enjoyed it at least as much as I enjoyed making sport of your death.

Backstage, Chavo is interviewed by Kevin Kelly, and he's all broke up about losing. He wonders if maybe he was never supposed to be a wrestler. _(After only 19 years? Who says Hispanics are slow on the uptake?)_Then he quits and walks away in tears.

* * *

The Nait'cha BOY, Flair, comes to the ring in a suit for some more yappy-dappy-doo. Flair says he's had a lot of good times in Chcago for a cheap pop. Then they bring what _looks_ likes Mohammad Hassan out in a Scarface gimmick, and he calls himself Hermandoooooo…Alexandrooooooo…Estradaaaaaaaa. He says that Flair's time is over. He has been watching Flair since he was a little keed in Cooba, watching heem on the ol' broken down terebizion weed de' rabbit ears and de' tin foya. Then he says some more silly shit about having a **new**guy in his stable to show us the next generation wheech is about to begeen. Flair finally calls him to send out the guy.

The Cooban calls his NEW boy, Akeem! _(Hey, all I had to do was give him a coupon for Long John Silver's and he was in.) _Akeem comes out, YES, in his bright-yellow dashiki. Akeem steamrollers Flair around and works the shit out of the old Haku gimmick. Flair eats a Samoan Neckbreaker, then they leave him for dead.

* * *

We're back with Edge and HHH talking "backstage_"—(that is, in one of the Sunday School classrooms)_about who gets to beat up Cena, and how they didn't really mean all the things they said to each other earlier. Edge and Lita then go, and HHH looks after them with a hint of a sneer. Edge makes his entrance with Lita in tow and gets to the ring.

Now it's time for Cena's entrance. Cena comes out to a mixed reaction, so he holds up the belt and then goes to the ring. The bell rings and Edge looks to start this off. Cena backs into the heel corner and waits. Edge comes over and they go to the collar and elbow. Cena with a standing switch, then slaps Edge in the back. Edge goes to one knee, still sore from thumbtacks last night. Cena preps to continue the offense, but Lita trips him up. Edge lays in the punches and kicks as the crowd chants Cena Sucks.

Edge picks him up and brawls some more, so Cena hurls him over the top rope to the outside. Cena turns to see HHH and invites him in. HHH climbs to the second buckle, and then Edge backjumps Cena. Cena fights him off and preps the FU, but Edge slips out and clobbers Cena in the back of the head. Edge goes for a pin, getting two.

Cena and Edge run the ropes and then clothesline each other flat. HHH comes into the ring behind Cena, but Cena's up and he turns to see him. Edge is also up, so he preps a Spear. Cena dodges it, so HHH gets it in the belly. Cena then lays into Edge in the heel corner, and HHH pries him off. Then HHH lays into Edge with wild punches and he and Cena take turns beating Edge up. Cena goes for the Fist Drop thing, but HHH hits him with the Pedigree on the rebound. 1-2-3. Chicago is happy. HHH is happy. Edge is confused. Cena is wobbly. Fade to black.

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Well, kids, as 'after the magic' times go, this show was tantamount to waking up from last night's party naked in bed with your own brother. And to think, I come up with that kind of imagery on the fly.

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Thanks for reading, please review! And don't forget**—I now take requests!** Don't believe me? Check out my UPDATED profile page!


	6. The Second PPV of 2012!

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, dude.

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Well, here I am…once again…with my half-drunken fic writing. Tonight, I feel like doing another one of my…blockbuster PPVs. So, yeah, let's go with that—tonight, I'm doing another PPV, so enjoy this thing here, alright? Alright. Oh, and don't forget my CARDINAL rule when I do PPVs—I'll use ANY wrestler from ANY fed from ANY period in time! And think—I do this ALL just for YOUR entertainment. Thank me later, lol.

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Here we are LIVE, outside in the middle of a little league baseball field. A capacity crowd of just fewer than 300 are drinking Slurpees, eating popcorn, and/or drinking soda. They're cheering and waiting for this…thing here to start.

Chavo Guerrero starts out the program, decked in a sombrero, he gets on the mic and speaks Spanish. THIS IS HILARIOUS! I HAVE SUBTITLES FOR HIM! And I totally hope this is his new gimmick!

He says, "Hey everybody, it's me Chavo Guerrero. I am the MAN, and I pinned Rhyno! I'm sick of being held down because I'm Mexican! I was fired once because I was a drug abuser, but now I'm clean!"

Wow, talk about INSIDE interviews! Chavo is pouring out his heart...when all of a sudden, John Cena hits the ring, freestyling!

Yo yo yo, My Name's John Cena and I'm here to say.  
I love to rap, in a major way.  
The Bedrock yellow, orange, purple, lime and red.  
But to get the fruity taste, I gotta trick Fred—um, I mean, I gotta' pin Chavo.  
WORD LIFE THUGANOMICS!

Oh my gosh, as if this feud couldn't be awesomer off the get go, Cena has a PINATA and he offers it to Chavo in a hilarious racial profiling bit! Chavo busts open the pinata and it's full of...

LIVE POISONOUS RATTLESNAKES! OH MY GOD! CHAVITO IS ATTACKED RELENTLESSLY!

Phew, that was quite the opener! Ok, let's pause for station identification…

Coming back, we see Chavo carted away in an ambulance. His blood-stained sombrero sits in the ring as a painful reminder of the dangers of combining hilarious rattlesnakes with fun-filled pinatas.

Backstage, John Cena laughs and sees Shelton Benjamin. "WHAT UP NIGGA!" he yells. Oh my gosh! This is so awesome!

Benjamin proceeds to pound Cena to a pulp, and threatens to bust a cap if he says that again. For real!

* * *

**MATCH #1-REY MISTERIO VS. NUNZIO**

Folks, I'm not kidding, when Nunzio come out, he gets the biggest pop I've ever heard, and the crowd doesn't stop chanting his name throughout the match. When the match starts, Rey's obviously flustered by this, as he's blowing spots all over the place. Headlock sequence, and Rey falls down. Nunzio with an Irish whip, and Rey trips and falls out of the ring.

Rey back in, scoop slam. And a scoop slam. Nunzio counters with a scoop slam. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio. Scoop slam by Rey. Scoop slam by Nunzio.

Wow, talk about evenly matched! Finally, Rey gains an advantage with a scoop slam and an elbow drop! He covers, 1...2...3! No!

I mean yes! Rey wins!

Post-match, Jamie Noble hits the ring to protest Rey's win. And he convinces the ref to watch the video monitor. OH MY GOSH! Rey STABBED Nunzio during one of his scoop slams!

Mysterio _**immediately**_ challenges Noble to a title match.

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**MATCH #2-REY MISTERIO vs. JAMIE NOBLE**

Long lockup to start-It lasts 12 minutes. Finally Noble rakes the eyes. He covers...and gets the win!

Post-match, Jamie Noble calls ODB in the ring to celebrate. She hugs him...AND TURNS IT INTO A BELLY TO BELLY! OH MY GOSH! WHAT A SWERVE! She turns to Mysterio, AND STARTS MAKING OUT WITH HIM!

It gets worse. As if it weren't bad enough that he just got dumped, Noble is forced to watch (by Batista, who is now in the ring) as ODB puts her hands down Rey's pants and let's just say it's not his HAND she's shaking! That's right perverts, she adjusts his belt.

Either Rey is a heel, or ODB is the biggest babyface female in the history of wrestling besides Bobby Eaton.

Okay, I think we need to pause, once again, for station identification. Okaaaaaay, we're back!

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**MATCH #3-PERRY SATURN vs. A-TRAIN w/SABLE**

A-Train starts off with a nice pescado. Space flying Tiger Drop follows that up, hit with perfection by our favorite wrestler named after a mode of transportation!

In the ring, Train goes up top. FIREBIRD SPLASH! Saturn is done!

Oh, he kicks out before A-Train even covers for the pin. This obviously embarrasses both men, and they just CAN'T STOP GIGGLING!

Saturn stops giggling and starts chopping. Then he TEARS OUT A-TRAIN'S NIPPLE RINGS! Sable hits the ring!

Uh-oh, the lights are on too…much! SABLE MELTS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!

Saturn goes for a clothesline, but the melted flesh of Sable is a lot like tar, and he's just stuck with nowhere to go!

A-Train hits the TRAINWRECK, the DE-RAILER, the ALL ABOARD, the TICKETS PLEASE, the CONDUCTOR, the CABOOSE, the FREIGHT CAR, the BOXCAR BOMB, the SHORT LINE RAILROAD and the AMTRAK! All of them? Variations of a side headlock.

Suddenly, Saturn makes A-Train tap out to the Rings of Saturn in the fastest time it's ever taken in his career, 4 minutes.

Post-Match, Jamie Noble hits the ring AGAIN! He's looking for Chavo's sombrero!

Backstage, A-Train wonders if Saturn REALLY won. The referee enters the scene and says, "Yes, he did."

A-Train raises his eyebrows and replies, "Thanks, that clears up everthing."

Then, Rhyno gores a Pepsi machine. THAT'S FOR STEALING MY DAMN 85 CENTS, JERKS!

Elsewhere, in one of the dugouts, Torrie Wilson admits she married Billy Kidman to Billy Gunn.

Gunn asks, "But why?"

Torrie replies, "He tricked me. He convinced me that I love guys named Billy with no charisma, so I thought **he** must be **you**."

Gunn nods and says, "Good point. Well, guess I gotta' find another gay gimmick. But who'd be willing to be gay with me?"

Suddenly, Gunn is knocked down. Standing behind him, a greased-up, nude Bradshaw.

Bradshaw says, "I'll be your partner...but **you're** the woman!"

We fade to station identification, once again, as Bradshaw attempts to violate the most sacred of holes on Billy Gunn.

Coming back, The REAL Brock Lesnar joins us! In a great angle, The REAL Brock Lesnar is actually Jim Neidhart.

Fake Brock Lesnar from UFC looks on from the front row, crying his eyes out.

Real Brock grabs the mic and says he was screwed, and then strokes his goatee and laughs for a good 9 minutes. Finally, Undertaker rides his motorcycle out.

Taker: Dude, you're Jim Neidhart.

Real Brock: No, YOU'RE Jim Neidhart!

Taker: No, YOU are!

Real Brock: No, I AM!

Taker: No, I AM!

Real Brock: See? Told ya.

Taker: You tricked me!

BIG SHOW'S MUSIC HITS! HE ENTERS THE RING! AND HE'S GOT SOMETHING TO SAY!

Big Show: Has anyone seen my sandwich? I'm so hungry.

Taker: Oh, it's on now! It's on like neckbone!

Big Show: Mmmm, neckbone.

Real Brock: No, YOU'RE Jim Neidhart!

Stephanie attempts to enter the ring, but her fat ass is wedged in the ringside entranceway. As they bring in a forklift to remove her, she announces a triple threat match.

Everyone blades big time to get this announcement over as something important. EVEN THE FANS!

Elsewhere, D-Von stands around with his hands in his pockets because nobody could think of anything useful for him to do.

* * *

**MATCH #4-CHAVO GUERRERO VS. JOHN CENA**

Chavo's baaaaaack! He attacks Cena with a live dolphin to start, and Cena sells it like he's been shot. Maybe he has, I don't trust dolphins.

Lots of see-saw action here. Finally they get bored and remove the see-saw from the ring, and get back to wrestling.

Chavo with a powerbomb, Cena counters that with a cherry bomb. Chavo counters that with a Cherry Coke. Cena hits a Vanilla Coke. Chavo hits a Vanilla Pepsi—(remember those? Lol!).

RHYNO GORES IT!

After a long exchange on the mat, Chavo finally gets a DQ victory.

Good match, but way too much french kissing for my tastes.

Post-match, yep, Jamie Noble hits the ring. I guess he was mad at it.

* * *

**MATCH #5: BROCK LESNAR VS. BIG SHOW VS. UNDERTAKER**

Before the match, Vince appears on stage with a microphone.

Vince: I just wanted to say, I haven't been on TV yet this week!

With that, Vince leaves. The crowd goes BANANAS!

This match is nothing to write home about, unless the people at your home are dying to know what happened here, in which case it's EVERYTHING to write home about!

Big Show starts things off by falling asleep. REAL Brock hits a spinning leg lariat on Taker. Taker cries after getting stiffed. Geez Neidhart, who do you think you are, RVD?

All 3 do a collar end elbow tie up. That's cool. Then they turn it into ring around the rosey. THEY ALL FALL DOWN! Except Big Show, who kicks them both. What a clever retard he is.

REAL Brock Lesnar is in control, hitting each man with 11 F-5's! That's F-55 each, HOLY CRAP!

REAL Brock goes for a pin, but stops to stroke his beard. This allows Taker to show him a photo of his ex-wife, Sara.

REAL Brock collapses. Taker covers and refuses to sell anything.

As the credits roll, Jamie Noble hits the ring. He sets up Taker for a Tiger Driver, but opts instead to...propose?

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Tune in next time!

_**WILL TAKER ACCEPT JAMIE NOBLE'S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?**_

_**WILL REY MYSTERIO BE ABLE TO GET ON RIDES AT AMUSEMENT PARKS?**_

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I don't know the answers to those questions, but if you'll be so kind as to review, you'll have made this drunken artist very happy.


	7. The THIRD PPV of 2012!

Disclaimer: I don't own JACK, brother!

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So, here we are again, with yet another of my…titillating PPVs. Let's see…THIS time, this is being held in the parking lot of a grocery store. The store's closed, but we have to make this quick as I don't want the cops shutting us down. So let's gooooo! Oh, and by the way once again—if you're not familiar wth this series—I ALWAYS use any wrestler from ANY promotion and from ANY time period—so there's ALWAYS a chance you could witness a Randy Orton vs. Outlaw Ron Bass match, or something to that effect. Anyway, here we go…

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We're in front of a coming-and-going crowd of between 150 and 200 at any given time. Al Snow and Jonathan Coachman welcome us, and then share a sensual, yet eerie, French kiss.

You may ask why I'd book that? I ask, why not? They sit at the announce booth, ONLY IT'S GONE!

…No wait, it's there.

Coach says, "Tonight, Christian vs. RVD in a ladder match! I HOPE WE SEE CHOKEHOLDS FROM THE TOP OF A LADDER!"

Al continues, "Also, Goldberg & HBK vs. Ric Flair & Randy Orton. Geez, talk about blatantly copying stuff from Samuel L. Jackson movies!"

Not that they DID blatantly steal from them, but I figured somebody should talk about it, seriously.

It needs to stop. We don't need cheap knock-offs of The Negotiator and Amos N' Andrew.

Lillian Garcia asks the fans to welcome Coach and Al Snow. They respond by booing. This leads to 2 things:

1. We all learn instantly that Lillian is TOTALLY doing Coach.

2. Lillian rips off her mask to reveal...VINCE MCMAHON?

Vince: It was ME Austin! It was ME all along!

And with that, Lillian leaves, never to be heard from again.

The Y2J clock starts, and in an interesting new twist, it counts backwards from 9,216 all the way to zero.

Jericho comes out sporting a catchy sombrero and nothing more.

Following him, Eric Bischoff, proudly carrying the shrunken head of Rick Martel. Now THAT'S an angle!

They hit the ring, and kick it as well for good measure. Jericho announces that the Highlight Reel has started.

Bischoff announces he's pregnant.

Jericho announces that his guest is Jim Ross!

Bischoff announces that Jim Ross is pregnant!

Jericho announces that JR is going to lose tonight!

Bischoff announces that his water just broke!

Jericho announces that, "Maury, I'm 100% sure I am NOT the father!"

Bischoff announces that, "I don't care about you, I just want you to be a man!"

Jericho announces that, "If it's mine, I'll be a man, but how can I know when you be hoeing yourself out to all my friends?"

Bischoff announces that Jim Ross has just eaten his weight in Goldfish crackers.

The mention of crackers upsets Coach, who promptly reminds everyone he is, indeed, a man of color.

Al Snow responds that even though you can't tell, on the inside, we're all negros.

…Except white people. They aren't.

Some stuff happens, and this thrilling segment ends with JR eating the turnbuckle ala' George "The Animal" Steele!

UH-OH! HERE COMES AUSTIN! He clears the ring! JR thanks him! Austin says it's OK! JR asks to hang out! Austin comes up with some excuse! JR asks when he'll be free! Austin looks uncomfortable! JR asks for Austin's cell phone number! Austin gives him a fake one! JR knows it's fake and asks why Steve doesn't want to hang out with him! Austin says he feels weird being seen with men whose face only work at a 50% capacity!

JR RIPS OFF HIS BROKEN FACE TO REVEAL VINCE MCMAHON!

VINCE: IT WAS ME AUSTIN! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

Now I didn't see THAT one coming!

After the commercial break, Austin is in the parking lot. Security won't let him in, so he points out that Kane should either be on house arrest or burned to death.

THIS LOGICAL GAP CAUSES ALL TIME TO CEASE, allowing Austin to sneak past the security guards.

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**WORLD TAG TEAM TITLE: Dudley Boyzsz vs. Matt Morgan & Scott Steiner (as Matt's slave)**

Bubba and Matt start. Lockup goes nowhere, so they begin to waltz. Bubba's pretty light on his feet, I must say.

Matt eventually tries to tag into Steiner, who refuses. MAN, THIS SLAVE WORK IS SO DEGRADING! Now I know firsthand what southern plantation workers in the 1800's went through. Well, besides all the whipping and raping.

I'd like to point out that Matt is so bad I can't even PRETEND to make up what happened in this match, so let's fast forward.

OH MY GOSH, THE DUDLEYS WON! STACY KEIBLER IS BLEEDING FROM EVERY ORIFICE! MATT'S LEGS ARE BOTH LEGIT BROKEN! AND STEINER THE SLAVE IS TIED TO A POST! HE GETS ON THE MIC!

Steiner: My name...is...Kinte...BIG POPPA KUNTA KINTE!

Truly this HAS to be one of the most moving TV moments ever.

Oh yeah, then Steiner suplexes Stacy.

Truly THIS is one of the most moving TV moments ever.

Coach and Snow do a great job of heel announcing by acting disgusted with Steiner's heel turn. WAY TO GO, GUYS! KEEP ON TRUCKING!

We come back from station identification to hear the greatest thing ever:

HHH HAS A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT!

I bet he's skipping college to enter the NBA draft! My prediction? HHH over LeBron in a sweep.

THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE! I can barely contain the vomit as I stare at his hideous burn scars.

Kane cuts one of the most awe inspiring promos that I've ever heard. I had to transcribe it. Here it is:

"_Four score and seven Raws ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new angle, conceived in idiocy and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal except Hunter, and I can survive flaming dumpsters. Now Shane McMahon and I are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure flaming dumpsters. We are met on a great battlefield of that war, TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. We have come to dedicate a portion of that ring as a final resting-place for those who here gave their gimmicks and pushes that my heel turn might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this, THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE. But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground, because it's a friggin ring. The brave men, living and dead who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. Geez, Sid Vicious even consecrated in his pants once. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us-that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion-that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of Kane, and that government of the WWE, by the McMahon's, for the people shall not perish from the earth. KANE RULZ!"_

Then, Hurricane Helms comes out, looking as gay as ever.

Hurricane says that if Kane really wants to show how he wants to honor the dead, then he should stop having sex with the corpse of Dino Bravo.

So Kane does. AND HITS CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER ENZIGUIRI AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM AFTER CHOKESLAM.

Grand total=81 chokeslams.

Suddenly, Hurricane's "Super Hero In Training", Rosie, lumbers out and proves why he's still on TV every week and Ultimo Dragon isn't, by wearing orange shorts and botching clotheslines.

As we come back, we get an ad for Lita's new book.

**My** favorite chapter: Chapter 14-"I admit it, I started dating Matt because I thought he was Jeff. And I have a dong."

Anyway, backstage(which means in his AstroVan), Maven and two generic guys are playing Gamecube. Two generic French guys and a generic American cause shenanigans.

I can't help but think none of this would have happened if they'd been playing Animal Crossing or Pikmin.

Maven takes the opportunity to score his first televised victory in months, using Booker T to pin generic white guy, who was using Booker T's brother, Booker M.

Also, somewhere along the lines, World War 2 is brought up, which proves one thing. ROB CONWAY IS A NAZI.

* * *

**SIX MAN TAG: MAVEN & GENERIC JOBBERS VS. THE FRENCH NAZI CONNECTION.**

Coach and Snow go TOTALLY heel by supporting America. NAZI hits Generic Guy with a NAZI-Plex!

He follows it up with a NAZI-bomb! And a NAZI-sault! And now a NAZI-lock!

Maven comes in and he's all, "I'm black, what are you gonna do about it Nazi?"

And Nazi is all, "ZEIG HEIL!"

And Maven is all, "My mom's white though, you only gonna HALF murder me in a concentration camp?"

And Nazi is all, "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!"

And Maven is all, "Hey, we better get this match underway. Let me hit 40 dropkicks and armdrags."

And Nazi is all, "BRING IT ON!"

Long story short, moves are exchanged. Words are said. Generic guys are pummeled. And there are no less than 4 clear instances of men groping at each other's' genitals.

Match ends when a returning Iron Sheik costs Maven the match. That's right, FRANCE, NAZI GERMANY... AND IRAN! WORKING IN CAHOOTS!

Next time, I bet a filthy Alaskan joins. That's right, you heard it here first. Alaskan Sid Vicious is coming to Raw!

Coming up next, A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT FROM HHH! I BET HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT!

Stone Cold is still kicked out of my, um…arena, sulking like the fag that he is. Rob Van Dam says that it sucks, and then reads the latest issue of Spider-Ham and some comic book about a loner with guns.

This is where the show gets blatantly homo-erotic. Some guy tells Austin he bought a ticket JUST to see him.

Hey, if you're that huge of a fan of drunken rednecks with bum knees talking, come to my family reunion. I'll sell you a ticket. Austin pierces his nipples to show he means BUSINESS.

AND THE MOST MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT OF ALL TIME TAKES PLACE!

HHH is on, telling Goldberg that he's the champ. AND NOW HE'S A TARGET BECAUSE OF THE TITLE! We immediately pan to a shot of Goldberg urinating in fear of being the target of such menacing heels as Rico, Stevie Richards and Teddy Long.

HHH then ignores his comments about Goldberg being a target and offers $20 of his own money to anyone who can beat Goldberg. His own money, by the way, says "United States of Hunter" and has pictures of him holding hands with Chyna on it.

HE THEN RIPS OFF THE MASK TO REVEAL HE'S VINCE MCMAHON!

VINCE: IT WAS ME AUST...GOLDBERG! IT WAS ME ALL ALONG!

Backstage, Goldberg spears Molly Ringwald. Or Holly. The chick who did it with Judd Nelson.

* * *

**COUNTRY WHIPPIN' MATCH: THE COACH VS. JIM ROSS**

Jericho is covering the booth. With a fine layer of molasses. HAHA, get it?

JR whips Coach, COUNTRY style! Every person in America cheers as the EVIL black guy trying to make a name for himself gets WHIPPED by the fat old cowboy who is higher up in the company than him.

Truly, justice has been served! It's about time fat white southerners got revenge for all those years of slavery.

Eric Bischoff comes down and asks if either guys wants to watch his wife do it with a stripper on a toilet, and JR responds with some WHIPPING.

JR says his favorite food is WHIPPED cream!

His favorite song is WHIP it!

He once got WHIPlash!

He wishes the WWE would sign Mikey WHIPwreck!

He's never smoked pot, but he's done WHIPits!

Coach responds by saying his favorite food is USELESS, TALENTLESS GUY.

His favorite song is UNTALENTED, USELESS GUY.

And so on and so forth.

This epic battle goes back and forth until John "THE COACH" Tolos hits the ring, rabid, shaking and nude as a jaybird.

He hits Coach with some Licorice WHIPS and JR gets the win!

Jericho is livid and goes off on a rant against Steve Austin. This angle can end with one logical twist. JERICHO AND AUSTIN GET MARRIED.

And I was right! Jericho proposes!

Austin hits the ring, beer in hand, ticket in the other! He may be barred by my paid-under-the-table off-duty police, but as long as he's got a ticket, he can do anything he wants!

If only I'd known that, I could have gotten around all those stalking violations...

YOU WILL BE MINE, MARGARET CHO. YOU **WILL** BE MINE.

Mmmmm, fat, ugly, unfunny Asian chicks.

Now, I get out an old VHS and we see a classic moment from Wrestlemania. This week it's that time that a fat guy knocked out a wrestler who was being booked as a tough guy.

This was easily the best Wrestlemania moment of all time, and I'm glad I bought 700 tickets to WMXX.

Skeletor with boobs. Um—I meanTerri Runnels interviews Jeff Hardy with a dong. Words are said, women interfere. 2 more boobs make the save, before everyone's favorite 2 boobs turn the tides. 6 heel boobs celebrate over the fallen 4 babyface boobs.

* * *

**KANE VS. THE HURRICANE**

By logic, matches where the opponents rhyme usually RULE.

And this is no exception. Easily the best match I've ever seen. Well, if it was the first match I ever saw, that is. I can't remember what happened, as I think I may have been passed out during this match, but I'm sure Hurricane won clean, since he pinned the Rock that one time some years back.  
Oh yeah, remember when that happened? Well, don't worry, neither does the writing team.

Goldberg is being interviewed by generic interviewer, not to be confused with generic Maven tag partner. Goldberg says that HHH is the minorah, and he's the lighter! HANNUKAH IS 8 DAYS LONG, SUCKA!

* * *

**RIC FLAIR & RANDY ORTON VS. JEW FOR JESUS (GOLDBERG)**

Instead of recapping this match, I thought I'd give you a quiz:

You've got a former world champion with no immediate feuds facing Ric Flair and a guy whose gimmick is that he kills established stars. Do you:

A-Give the world champ a win to establish him, but have the heels punk him out to ignite a feud?

B-Give Flair a cheap win over HBK, and have Goldberg upset with the loss to start a Goldberg-HBK program with the heels involved?

C-Give Orton a win over Goldberg to jump start a feud?

D-Somehow bring Mark Henry into the picture?

If you said D, you either read a lot of comic books or eat a lot of raw steak, because you've GOTS to be Stephanie McMahon.

Next time, we MAY just see Goldberg vs. Mark Henry, but not just any match…

It'll be a "LOSER HAS SEX WITH JAZZ" match!

Anyhow, we pause again for station identification. We come back and…

* * *

**ROB VAN DAM VS. CHRISTIAN, LADDER MATCH!**

Instead of telling you how this match goes, I've included a plot summary of a film classic. Can you guess what movie this is?

Ladder match in Chicago is the scene. It's where surf-drenched guys cruise girls in bikinis and raucous parties rule day and night. It's the perfect time and place for three young women from Texas and a trio of college guys from Pennsylvania to find adventure and maybe even fall in love. In a Texas dive bar, CHRISTIAN is singing her heart out to a few local yokels when her best friends Kaya and Alexa try and tempt her away for some fun in the Florida sun. It's an easy sell-even for the cautious CHRISTIAN- and the three head for Miami. Making their way to the same destination is the "Pennsylvania Posse": college students ROB VAN DAM, Brandon, and Eddie _(NOT Guerrero—I'll be resurrecting HIM soon enough, but in an upcoming PPV, I think)_. Anyway, ROB VAN DAM and Brandon are smooth-talking party promoters, while Eddie's primed to meet Lizzie, the cyber dream girl he's been e-mailing for months.

Miami Beach, beating with a rhythm all its own, is teeming with beautiful people. CHRISTIAN'S friends are drawn into the beachside fun, while CHRISTIAN tentatively navigates a sea of strangers. When her eyes meet ROB VAN DAM'S, everything changes-in an instant. While Kaya and Alexa are content to survey the parade of eye candy, CHRISTIAN'S now only interested in the guy with the irresistible smile. The feeling is mutual and ROB VAN DAM'S on fire. But as luck would have it, he loses CHRISTIAN'S number-and boy-crazy Alexa has already set her sights on ROB VAN DAM. She will stop at nothing-even betraying a friend-to nab ROB VAN DAM as her own.

So I ask youse, "Will true love win out for the star-crossed ROB VAN DAM and CHRISTIAN?"

.

* * *

I don't know that, but thanks for reading, anyway! Don't forget to review, please. It always matters what my fans think of the...stuff I churn out.


	8. 4th one

Disclaimer: I don't own jack shit.

* * *

Here I am once again, with another PPV for the ages! I'm VERY buzzed right now, and so I feel it's my RESPONSIBILITY as an upstanding citizen, to take FULL advantage of the situation. Yeah, I drink, then I write-such is life. Anyway…

You know, someone ACTUALLY had the nerve to tell me that I had no class. Well, look here…BUDDY—I've GOT class! In fact, I've got it oozing out of my nipples like maple syrup, and that's why I'm still around, junior. I outlast everybody. I'm, like…the "Undertaker" of this site! SOUPBONES FOR EVERYONE!

Anyhow, I come to you tonight from…uh, the 7-11 at…the corner. The Great Khali owns it, so…he cleared his entire inventory out and made room for the ring. He said that we need to be done before all of his Gatorades get warm, so, I gotta' hurry. Oh, and JUST for this event, I did a pre-PPV séance and resurrected EDDIE GUERRERO, however, as I was resurrecting HIM, Chris Benoit did a run-in and materialized along WITH Guerrero—so NOW I have Benoit AND Eddie on for tonight! Here we go!

* * *

Were here, in front of a capacity crowd of people randomly passing by—some getting gas, some buying hotdogs, and yet others buying lottery tickets. You know the rules—I use ANY wrestler from ANY fed and from ANY time. Immediately, we head to our first match…

**MATCH #1: APA (back together again—just cost me a 30-pack of Budweiser for Bradshaw, and a 40-oz. of malt liquor and a bucket of fried chicken for Faarooq VS. Shelton Benjamin and Charlie Haas!**

APA vs. World's Greatest Tag Team, LOL, OMG! 3:16, FYI, TKO.

**Winners: The Black Guy and the White Guy, via gunshot wound to head.**

Totally awesome match, and when both black guys were in there it was amazing. No stabbing, no gang signs, nothing.

I really think it's wonderful that a tag team feud is based on how one of the former champions resembles a female dominatrix on the roster. You can't write this stuff!

Oh, apparently you can. Well, STEPHANIE can, but nobody else.

Because she ate all the inkpens.

* * *

Somewhere else in the…arena, Vince McMahon is talking to Brock Lesnar…

Vince: AND THAT, my friend is why applied astrophysics simply don't hold water in the molecular biology world.

Brock: BROCK HUNGREE!

Vince: Wait a minute...you're the FAKE Brock Lesnar?

Brock: Mwaa-haa-haa! You know it, and you'll never replace me Vince! You can't get rid of me! I'm not leaving!

(Suddenly, Fake Brock is clubbed to death by REAL Brock Lesnar, wielding a large novelty fork.)

Vince: You...you killed Brock!

REAL Brock: Brock screwed Brock!

Vince: Good one! I nearly peed my pants with that! I'd better flex!

REAL Brock: Oh Vince, 65 year olds always pee. You'd better main event some more PPV's.

Vince: Good idea. But from now on, no tapping out to Kurt Angle. We don't want legimitate wrestlers who won gold medals to get over as talented wrestlers.

REAL Brock: Yeah, he should wear straw cowboy hats and drive trucks full of semen.

Vince: um...that was milk.

(Just then, Stephanie lumbers into the picture.)

Stephanie: Does it really matter? They both taste the same. Mmmm, semilk.

Everyone has a good laugh, and Stephanie waddles off, presumably to eat Funaki.

We come back from station identification and since we just **had** a Vince-Brock segment, we couldn't possibly have another one.

Oh wait, we do. **This** time Vince starts slapping Brock around.

_Note #1 to all future bookers: If you want a heel to be feared, book him to get slapped around by a 60 year old and take it. Nothing scarier than that!_

* * *

John Cena drives into the parking lot, gets out of his car and hits the ring. Apparently, he's here to continue the feud with Eddie Guerrero! To pull out a brand new catchphrase, SWEET CRISPY NUTSACKS!

We show a highlight video of 8 years ago, when poisonous snakes attacked Eddie. Also, we show Madonna kissing Christina Aguillera. Mmmm, 50 year olds kissing ugly chicks. Anyway, Cena is busting out a freestyle rap, yo! WORD TO YOUR MOTHER!

_My name is John Cena.  
I have a big weina.  
Should I fight Eddie Guerrero?  
What rhymes with Guerrero?  
Thug life is cool, and I'm no fool.  
I'll never get past mid-card.  
This business is just so hard._  
_I'll end up a ref,  
Until I start to bang Steph._  
_BOO-YAH, THIS ONE'S FOR ALL MY HOMIES THAT DIED IN COMPTON!_

Eddie comes out in a low rider...wait, he's actually being pulled to the ring in a wagon by … Latrell Sprewell!

Eddie shows just how awesome and homey he really is by wearing the ugliest cowboy boots man ever made. He attacks Cena, but Cena BREAKS A 40 OVER HIS HEAD! He then urinates in Eddie's mouth! THE CARNAGE!

Lord Alfred Hayes hits the ring! CENA LAYS HIM OUT AND RAPES HIS PRONE, LIFELESS BODY! So is he a tweener now?

Cena then steals Eddie's wagon!

After the break, Eddie protests to Jabba th Hut—we know her as Stephanie McMahon.

Eddie: JABBA, PLEASE! If you let me get a shot at John Cena, I'll bring you Han Solo, frozen in carbonite!

Steph: I'm not Jabba! Why does everyone call me that! (Steph eats a frog.) Now then, if you can bring me Han Solo frozen in carbonite, the match is yours.

Eddie: Thanks!

Steph: Oh, just one thing. Replace Han Solo with Chocolate Cake. And Replace frozen in carbonite with deep fried in French Fry Grease.

Eddie: ...OK.

Steph: IN THIS VERY RING!

Eddie: That doesn't make any sense.

Steph: I'm just used to yelling out important announcements each week.

During the break, Billy Gunn strode to the ring. He stood calmly waiting for Danny Basham to face him.

Then someone told him they weren't wrestling tonight. A sad, dejected Billy Gunn mopes his way backstage, crying and defecating the whole way.

* * *

**MATCH #2: CHRIS BENOIT vs. A-TRAIN, REMATCH OF THE CENTURY**

Benoit breaks out a new move to start. THE CHOP! A-Train grabs the mic and demand that this match allows CLOSED FISTS!

Benoit obliges, and A-Train promptly pummels Benoit with the SmackDown! Fist! This goes on for what seems like 8 years, but is actually only 14 seconds.

A-Train then wonders aloud where Sable is. We see a quick video clip of Sable filiming her new movie, reprising her old role of The Crypt Keeper.

This allows Benoit to lock in the Crippler Crossface. Showing what a LETHAL submission it is, A-Train can BARELY withstand the pain of being in it for 50 seconds before finally making the ropes.

Benoit releases and starts DDT'ing people in the front row.

A-Train tap dances like nobody's business. Line of the night from Train: "I CALL THIS MOVE...THE GREASY WEASEL!"

Bearhugs for everyone, and the crowd is mesmerized, screaming obscenities and praying to God in heaven that this match will never have an end.

Rhyno enters the picture. Realizing he's not wrestling Tajiri for a change, he breathes a sigh of relief that  
AlKaholiK won't find his involvement boring. INSIDE JOKES ARE TEH BOMB!

Rhyno GOARS Al Gore!

A-Train DERAILS the guardrail!

Benoit...uh...CROSSFACES...a...cross. Hey, don't laugh at me, this shit is hard.

Stuff happens, and the end finish is obviously a nice play off the end of the hit movie Freddy vs. Jason.

That's right, A-Train cuts off Benoit's head, but Benoit winks at the camera.

Then Rhyno goars Benoit's head into A-Train's chest, giving Benoit the pin.

**WINNER: CHRIS BENOIT**

Hey, I guess if they reform them, Benoit could be the HEADLESS HORSEMEN! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Anyway, post-match, Benoit's body staggers around, looking for his head. And here's a great new angle!

The hairs of A-Train's body have thoroughly wrapped themselves around the skull of Benoit, cementing his head to Train's body. TALK ABOUT A STICKY SITUATION! Benoit and Train's heads argue with each other, and begin headbutting each other.

_Match Analysis: I don't want to overstate it, but this was hands down the greatest match in the history of professional wrestling._

* * *

Backstage…somewhere, Undertaker tells us how he's going to beat Kurt Angle tonight.

Taker: I think I'll pin him.

Interviewer, we'll say it's Sharmell Sullivan: Taker, aren't you scared of the Ankle Lock?

Taker: The only thing I'm scared of is black women and bats. And I can't tell the difference between them.

Sharmell Sullivan: Uh, Taker...look at me.

(Taker looks at Sharmell.)

Taker: AHHH! A BAT!

In another locker room, Torrie Wilson is teaching Nidia how to dance.

They rub oil on each other.

Nidia: Torrie, do you think I could ever be in Playboy?

Torrie: Sure, if The Gremlins suddenly become sexy or popular, your face is perfect!

Nidia: Thanks Torrie. Sometimes I wish I hadn't slept with Big to win Tough Enough. But then I remember, I didn't sleep with Big. Maven did.

Torrie: Hey, I slept with Maven too!

Nidia: Oh Torrie, I love you.

The moral of this story is simple, for all you female readers. Even the most hated of rivalries can be put to rest with casual lesbian sex.

You'd think we'd have another match by now, but HA! Kurt Angle's being interviewed as well!

Sharmell: Kurt, can you beat Taker?

Angle: Batgirl, I think the real question here is, Can I beat Taker?

Sharmell: That's what I asked you!

Angle: I see. You'd better have that checked out.

Sharmell: Have what checked out?

Angle: Your back. IT'S INFECTED WITH ANGLE SLAMS!

At this point, Kurt proceeded to deliver not 2, not 3...but ONE Angle Slam!

Backstage, Stephanie wants in her office, which is actually, the women's restroom/locker room/backstage area, but Vince and Big Show won't let her through.

Stephanie: Seriously guys! I can't fit through!

Big Show: HAHA, it's funny because you're fat!

Stephanie: So are you.

Big Show: Prove it!

Vince: She's got a point.

(Vince holds up a copy of USA Today, with the headline: BIG SHOW=FAT.)

Big Show: ..*_sniff*_, it's not fair! I eat because I need love! But I can't find love because I'm fat from eating!

Stephanie: I eat because I'm an all-consuming spawn of hell.

(Just then, Paul LONDON wriggles free from the inner thigh of Steph.)

Paul: Hey guys, can I have a match tonight?

Vince: Hmmm...are you black?

Paul: No.

Vince: Good. Are you overweight?

Paul: No.

Vince: Good. Do you have nice hair?

Paul: Sure.

Vince: Good. Are you tall?

Paul: No.

Vince: YOU'RE FIRED!

Paul: I didn't wanna' work for you in the first place.

Big Show: Neither did the REAL Brock. Shhhhh.

* * *

**MATCH #3-Al's PAPER CHAMPIONSHIP-KURT ANGLE vs. UNDERTAKER**

They have a wrestling sequence to start. In a nice bit of reality booking, Taker easily outwrestles Angle and makes him look foolish. Winning the Olympics is one thing Kurt, beating Yokozuna in Casket Matches is another!

Angle powerslams Taker and hits 3 more! Taker is dead!

Suddenly, Paul Bearer RAISES THE URN!

Taker sits up!

Security realizes Paul Bearer made it to ringside and drags him away.

On closer inspection, it's revealed that Paul Bearer was actually Stephanie with a Pepsi mustache.

Taker decides to show how totally UFC-like he is, and locks on armbar after armbar. The crowd taps out in a bit of hilarious irony.

Taker sits solemnly. Angle frowns. They embrace.

So this is what it feels like...when doves cry.

This exchange of manly admiration is quickly put to an end with a low blow.

Taker returns fire with a nutshot. Angle goes to the gonads. Taker nails the nuts. Angle tackles the testicles. Taker bops the balls. Angle smacks the scrotum. Taker terrorizes the twins. Angle alliterates awesomely!

Bet you'd never see THAT in a wrestling recap.

This all leads to OLD SCHOOL ROPEWALK. Followed by some OLD SCHOOL GERMAN SUPLEXES! Then they both watch OLD SCHOOL STARRING WILL FERREL!

The only thing that can stop the carnage? A commercial break!

We're back, and for some reason, T.L. Hopper is in command!

He's quickly thrown from the ring by Angle, who then proceeds to lock on about 7 ankle locks...BUT DEAD BIKER ZOMBIES WITH BROTHERS WHO WERE NEVER REALLY BURNED APPARENTLY DON'T FEEL ANKLE PAIN!

Taker powers out no less than 11 times and hits chokeslam after chokeslam after chokeslam after chokeslam after chokeslam after chokeslam after choke SLEEPER after chokeslam after chokeslam after chokeslam.

Angle kicks out at 2. Phew, I thought for a second there that the spoilers I read were nothing but a lie! Talk about drama!

We go through all the big moves. Angle Slam, Angle Lock, Last Ride, Chokeslam, SOUPBONES OF AGONY. Nobody can get the win. It's an even draw.

Except that Taker obviously is going to win the title, until THE REAL BROCK hits the ring for the DQ at about 3 minutes!

REAL Brock: That's for breaking up The New Foundation with your political shenanigans!

Taker: But I loved that team! Puffy pants rule!

REAL Brock strokes his gotee madly for a minute or so.

What does this all mean? Hell if I know.

**WINNER: I CAN'T REMEMBER!**

_Match Analysis: Well, this was easily the best 'Olympic athlete versus hobbling crippled biker' fight I've seen this month. And kudos to the WWE for added some realism and having a near crippled guy constantly get out of wrestling holds applied by a world champion wrestler._

Elsewhere, Taker collapses. WHO STOLE TAKER'S WALKER! I smell the FBI foulplay!

Nunzio enters the scene with a walker that looks SUSPICIOUSLY like Taker's. It even says "Dead Man's Walker" on it. Nunzio's in for the beating of a lifetime!

We get some bikini contest highlights. Boobs are flaunted, buttocks are greased, and that's just Billy Gunn and Doug Basham backstage!

The winner? Torrie. The loser? Nidia. All that hot lesbian sex for NOTHING!

Shaniqua attacks Torrie. I'm guessing it's because she's mad Martin got cancelled. She was hilarious as the crazy next door neighbor!

Meanwhile, THE APA IS BACK IN BUSINESS! I know if I was a wrestler in the WWE and I needed someone to watch my back, I'd hire guys who just lost and also were pinned by Billy and Chuck.

They've got a butler, which means we're gonna' see nothing but LAUGHS over the next few weeks. I can't wait for Faarooq to have sex with the butler's wife!

* * *

**MATCH #4: REY MISTERIO vs. TAJIRI-Al's MIDGET TITLE**

Let me take this time to tell you guys how I rate great matches. Simply put, I compare them to the greatest match of all time. If it stacks up in comparison, it's great. If it doesn't, well the best it can be is good.

This was good, because as much as they tried, they just can't match the fevered intensity of Joe Gomez vs. Mongo McMichael.

That's right, I just wanted to work Joe Gomez into one of my PPVs. You know you wanted it.

If I had a dollar for every time I say that line.

To a 9 year old.

…Boy.

…I'd have a lot of dollars.

…And emotional scars.

Wait, I wouldn't have those. **They** would! BOO-YAH! SCORE ONE FOR AL!

Tajiri KICKS Rey because he knows KARATE! Because he's JAPANESE!

Rey retaliates by WASHING TAJIRI'S CAR and WATCHING TELEMUNDO because he's MEXICAN! He goes for his finisher...SELLING ORANGES!

Tajiri reacts to that by DRIVING HIS NEWLY WASHED CAR POORLY! Because he's ASIAN!

And THAT, my forum friend, is a REAL Asian Stereotype! Not some white kid from Kansas!

Armdrags for everyone. Takedowns for everyone! Near falls for everybody! These guys are so generous!

I don't want to overstate the importance of this match, but in the middle of it, the clouds opened and God himself appeared, wearing a 619 shirt.

Later reports confirmed it wasn't God, but a crazed, drunken George Steele.

Tarantula is countered by a 619 which is reversed by a BUZZSAW which is reversed with a West Coast Pop which is reversed with a CRAZY JAPANESE NAME which is reversed with a QUEBRADA CON HILO which is reversed by a Front Suplex '92 which is countered with a switchblade to the kidneys.

Good old Rey and his switchblade. He's my favorite Outsider. Besides Kevin Nash.

Halfway through the match, THREE-LEGGED RIKISHI, fresh from bathing in the toxic waste lake nearby, enters and hits DUAL SUPERKICKS!

Both men are down, and Rikishi gets the win!

Unfortunately, he JUST exceeds the cruiserweight limit by 197 pounds.

BUT BOY CAN THAT MAN DANCE!

Match re-starts, and Tajiri is confused. He accidentaly kicks Rikishi!

Tajiri: FO-GIVAH-NESS PREES! ME SO SOLLY!

Rey: Me llamos Rey. LOCO CABEZA!

This is where it really just breaks down into a slapfest, followed by a round of both guys attempting to lock on testicular claws.

I'd be fine with it, except that it lasts for NINETEEN MINUTES. Rey finally gets the win after...uh...doing something.

**WINNER: MASKED MIDGET**

_Who says I can't throw a PPV-y'all better get IN this!_

Post-match, TAJIRI SPITS GUACAMOLE ALL OVER REY'S MASK!

Dang, those things have to be dry cleaned Tajiri! PROBABLY BY ONE OF** YOUR** RELATIVES!

* * *

**BONUS MATCH: EXCLUSIVE - SHANNON MOORE vs…MIKE ROTUNDA!**

Shannon starts off by reading a poem written on a frisbee. LANNY POFFO IS SPINNING IN HIS GRAVE!

_Roses are red.  
Violets are blue.  
Captain Mike.  
I want to have sex with you._

And they lock up...and opt to instead of wrestle, fulfill Shannon's lifelong dream, as they have sex RIGHT HERE IN THIS VERY RING!

Winner: Iron Mike, for so many reasons. Biggest reason? He wasn't on the receiving end.

It's time for the MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING! A talk segment with Vince!

He enters with Big Show. And oh sweet jethro, he's got an announcement! Vince claims he has great news!

Kurt vs. Brock, IRON MAN MATCH, 2 WEEKS FROM NOW!

Big Show: I thought you said you had good news!

Vince: I do! I just saved myself a ton of money by switching to Geiko!

REAL Brock comes out, ready for his Iron Man match, dressed in a suit of armor!

Not to be outdone, Kurt Angle comes to the ring with...TONY STARK!

You're welcome, comic book nerds!

Tony Stark gets on the mic!

Stark: I MAY BE A FICTIONAL CHARACTER, BUT I CAN PIN YOU VINCE MCMAHON!

They are about to tussle when suddenly THE REAL REAL BROCK LESNAR IS AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS!

So who's the FAKE REAL Brock Lesnar? You guessed it...he unmasks to reveal that he's VINCE MCMAHON!

So who's Fake Vince? You guessed it, he unmasks to reveal that he's VINCE MCMAHON SR!

So who's Big Show? You guessed it, PAUL WIGHT!

So why is the ring moving? You guessed it, the ring unmasks to reveal that it's STEPHANIE MCMAHON!

REAL Brock has Zach Gowen tied to a wheelchair. He's got a broken leg. He's gonna push him down the stairs. And he does.

The show ends as we focus on Zach Gowen, mumbling something to himself...what is he saying...is it...M...Mm...Mmmm...no...it can't be!

"MMMM-BOP!"

HANSON HITS THE RING, AS MMM-BOP PLAYS!

MMM-BOP ON THE HEAD TO VINCE!

MMM-BOP ON THE HEAD TO BIG SHOW!

DOOBIE DOB BA DOO WOP TO FAKE REAL FAKE BROCK!

Show ends as the most feminine looking brothers ever celebrate!

We're outta time!

* * *

Tune In Next Time To Find Out:

_**AGAIN, WILL THE UNDERTAKER ACCEPT JAMIE NOBLE'S MARRIAGE PROPOSAL?**_

_**WILL THE BASHAMS? OR WON'T THEY?**_

* * *

You know, I'm glad you all are entertained by my drunken ramblings—thanks for reading, please review—Me? I have to go get another drink. See ya.


	9. Yep, We Have Another One

Disclaimer: I don't own shit, dude.

* * *

Ok, it's high time for another PPV! Here we are, THIS time, at the Sheraton Hotel's ballroom in front of a large capacity crowd of 100—our largest crowd YET! (Oh, we're getting there!) Of course, I've reincarnated some wrestlers as needed, and really—there are just waaaaay too many wrestlers, past and present, to just limit these PPVs to ONLY recently known stars! This is why it's so fun writing these things. But, anyway…enough rambling, enjoy my, um…show.

* * *

Our hosts for the evening are a man who wears a crown and a leotard, and a man with a 36% working face capacity in a cowboy hat. This is highbrow stuff, folks. I hope you brought your monocles, mint juleps and caviar. Wrestling is so classy, it's diarrhea is sterling silver!

I am forced to miss the beginning of my own damn PPV in it's entirety because HHHH is here! The 4th H is for "humanity"! The fact that I couldn't see clips of Rosey spliced in with strippers pole dancing makes him the biggest heel in the history of the WWE!

He gets on the mic and apparently has changed gimmicks, to that of a belly dancing orphan.

HHH: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sure you're excited that I had a bad week! First, I lost to CM Punk! (Crowd pop.) Then, my mom was raped by a cougar. (Bigger crowd pop.) Then...that cougar took off it's mask to reveal that it was VINCE MCMAHON! (Crowd boos.) But then, Vince McMahon took off his mask to reveal it was ME, THE GAME! (Crowd is indifferent.)  
So I lost the world title. Then I didn't transport my Phaeton to Louisiana, and it was returned to it's owner! IT WAS ONLY 3% DAMAGE PEOPLE!  
Well...I'll show just how evil I am, by feuding with a retard! That's right! Stepha...I mean Eugene, get out here!

Eugene enters, wearing nothing but water wings and the AlKaholiK TV title.

Eugene: HHH is...

HHH: Say it Eugene!

Eugene: HHH is the...

HHH: SAY IT!

Eugene: HHH is the last 3 letters in ARRRGGGGHHH!

At this point, JR has a brain aneurysm at how HHH has been outsmarted. HHH then pedigrees Eugene. And Lillian Garcia. And the timekeeper. And he's on the mic.

HHH: TO SHOW WHAT A HEEL I AM, I'LL START PEDIGREEING EVERY FAN IN THE ARENA TONIGHT! THAT'S RIGHT, ALL 947 OF YOU! YOU ALL CAME TO SEE ME, BECAUSE I DRAW!

Oh yeah, then William Regal comes out and does an impersonation of Florida from Good Times, and starts pummeling a stop sign with brass knuckles.

Best segment ever? So far!

Suddenly, we head backstage as Eric Bischoff is being forced to lick glass. He looks up at a shadowy figure and asks why he's being forced to do this. Who is this mystery man?

I'm not sure, but his name rhymes with Bohn Beidenrich.

We come back to the 9 remaining divas. Lou Thesz descends from heaven (or ascends from hell, whichever) and starts stretching them one at a time. The crowd boos him mercilessly, until he joins the Hurricane's group as LIGHTNING Louis Thesz! He can fight Van Wicked!

So, we cut to Jonathan Coachman, who is working for ME tonight and he also has the girls assignment tonight.

Coach: Ladies, this week, your task is a bit different. In this room behind me is a former WWE superstar. Somewhere in the room is an immunity card. He will tell you if you are hot or cold while you look. You have 30 seconds, if you find it, you are immune from elimination, and for some reason, small pox. Ready? Token blonde girl, you are first!

Token blonde enters the room, only to find it completely empty, save for a chair that is occupied by a nude Jim Duggan.

Hacksaw: Want a hint? If you check near my prostate, you're WARM!

This is repeated 6 times with several girls. Why? BECAUSE TAKING A SOMEWHAT AMUSING JOKE THAT BRINGS A SMALL CHUCKLE AND REPEATING IT OVER AND OVER IS GOOD WRITING AND/OR BOOKING!

Now it's time for the black chick from the Spice Girls. She enters the room, and immediately manages to fit her entire arm up Duggan's urethra!

Hacksaw: Man, you really are a HOOOOOOOO!

Back to the girls, Coach is now wearing the hot new Brock Lesnar backpack! The other two girls, realizing that there is no real talent involved, decide to make out with each other.

And somewhere in the middle of all this, a newly-resurrected Garrison Cade gets pinned.

.

MATCH #1: RHYNO/TAJIRI VS. LA RE-RESISTANCE _(Yep, I reunited them, for my own selfish purposes)_

Rhyno and Tajiri attack before the match can get underway, and we've got a Pier 6 brawl. Rhyno breaks out the moveset, debuting a move that is so wicked looking, I ca only describe it as a HIPTOSS. Take THAT, evil French!

Tajiri's all, "I may be a stereotype of Japan, but that doesn't mean I can't friggin kick you in the face!"

Rhyno and Tajiri clean house, and then begin cleaning the ring, literally! Rhyno dusts the turnbuckles, while Tajiri polishes the ropes. This allows Sylvan Grenier to pull a LOAF OF STALE FRENCH BREAD from under his beret! He clobbers Tajiri with it. Tajiri, forgetting the script and assuming he is still a useless jobber is stretchered out immediately.

Rob Conway is all, "Bring it Rhyno!" And Rhyno's all "It's broughten!" And Conway's all, "Fine then!" and Rhyno's all "That's right!" And Conway's all, "You're lucky I twisted my ankle or I'd mess you up!" and Sylvan's all "I forgot my line because I suck at everything!" and Pat Patterson's all "The crowd loves it, they're going banana!

Suddenly, I decide I need a Capri-Sun. I'm not sure what I missed, but when I come back, everyone is soaked in blood, Rob Conway's arm is broken and referee Jack Doan is dressed like Hitler?

Sylvan is standing around, drinking coffee and whatnot, when Tajiri absolutely CRUSHES him with the Sunset Flip from Osaka! Doan covers...un...deux...trois!

Tajiri and Rhyno win! They'll be marrying Jazz at my next PPV! Oh wait, that's another stipulation! Have I said too much?

.

Hey, did you know Randy Orton was the youngest world champion ever? Well, he was! And to think, having to have his stomach pumped for ingesting so much semen is something he used to be MOCKED for!

Hey, why don't we check in on Brodus Clay!

Brodus: Li...ta...me...love...you.

Lita: Brodus Clay, I too have the feelings of love for you. DOES NOT COMPUTE!

Brodus: Brody want marry Lita.

Everyone stands around awkwardly for 45-50 seconds while Lita pretends to cry, which really looks more like she just let a fart that was a bit messy and she realizes she'd better change thongs before her big match with Molly Holly. By the way, you can tell these two are a real couple, because the onscreen chemistry is SMOKING!

By these two, I don't mean Brodus and Lita. I meant ODB and Johnny Jeter. He was playing the role of the locker that Lita was standing in front of. SOMEONE LET MATT MORGAN PIN THIS GUY, PLEASE!

.

MATCH #2: Rosey VS. Sting!

Wow, who knew Match #2 was code word for MATCH # AWESOME?

Sting starts off by stroking his goatee, and that's all she wrote for him. Why? BECAUSE HERE COMES JIM NEIDHART, RIDING A GOAT TO THE RING! He picks up Sting and hits the most devastating move of 1986...A POWERSLAM!

Rosey, being the face that he is, refuses to pin Sting though, and instead opts to suckle off the goat's teat. That turns out to be a no-no as that goat is none other than Tyson Tomko in drag!

Rosey hits the jiggly moonsault that Victoria does, only from the TOP OF THE TITANTRON! And instead of hitting Sting, he lands on some crippled kid that John Cena bought a baseball bat for! Word life!

_(-A/N—See? It's matches like these that, in a way, make these PPVs tough. Am I really supposed to call every move? Every counterhold? Every bit of chain wrestling? I can type fast, but I'm only human! Still, I'll try...)_

Sting splashes Rosey in the corner and wins.

Phew, I did it! Also, it should be noted that Kelly Kelly was out there for no adequately explored reason. I've come up with an idea though. Perhaps her gimmick can be that she sucks and doesn't have talent?

Wait, they've already given that gimmick away. To some wrestler called ALL OF SMACKDOWN.

Still, they tried, though, so let's move on.

.

Now we go to the Highlight Reel! MY version of the highlight reel is a 10-year old tv monitor that the remote is missing to. Anyway, Chris Jericho has Edge in the ring.

Both of them are debating the social and economical decay of urban America, but while Edge feels that the solution is less tax breaks on the rich, Jericho feels that the real solution is...ENZIGUIRI! I mean, more legislative maneuvering.

Edge pulls out the trump card and says, "You got dumped by Trish Stratus!" to which Jericho replies with "You got dumped by Gangrel!" Suddenly, Gangrel appears with flowers and chocolates and a bottle of blood, looking into Edge's eyes. Edge, nervous about this surprise twist, looks towards Gangrel and says...

Edge: W-what are you doing here?

Gangrel: I miss you Edge. I miss laughing with you. I miss having fun with you. I miss the good times.

Edge: You can't just come waltzing in here expecting everything to be OK!

Gangrel: But I brought chocolate!

Edge: I'm allergic to chocolate and I wish I was allergic to your love, because I can't resist it, but I must!

Gangrel: The chocolates are shaped like all the states of the confederacy!

Edge: Civil war inspired chocolates? You knew my one weakness!

Gangrel: I know your other weakness...

Edge: No...you couldn't possibly remember that...

Gangrel: How could I forget that you're allergic to...

Jericho: To what?

At this point, Gangrel hits the IMPALER on Flash Flanagan, because Raw in 1997 was wicked awesome!

The segment trails off, but I think I caught the whole point, and that is that Edge and Jericho are a united force. And also, Gangrel's wife is ugly.

.

MATCH #3: HHH vs. WILLIAM REGAL

Regal attacks during the WATER SPEW entrance! This match is gonna' be nuts!

450 splash from Regal!

Hindu Press from HHH _(Wouldn't that be a HHHindu Press?)_

Inverted, reverse, twisting, top-rope brainbuster from Regal!

PUNCH by HHH!

Corkscrew backflip into a piledriver by Regal!

HIGH KNEE by HHH!

Finally, Regal connects with a top rope Tiger Driver onto 7 chairs and a bowl of cereal!

HHH comes back with ANOTHER HIGH KNEE!

Regal goes for the brass knuckles, but HHH goes for the brass sledgehammer! And HERE COMES KAMALA!

Kamala: Who was that chick that gave me titty twisters last week? Seriously!

HHH: I am the game!

Regal: Sunshine!

"Cotton Eyed Joe" by RedNex begins to play, and folks, I kid you not, we see the SEXIEST ho-down this side of the Mississippi! I could have done without Kamala french kissing HHH's nipple though.

The sheer awesomeness of this match causes William Regal to go into shock, and he's stretchered out. Indy wrestler Super Dragon is one of the paramedics AND HE WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE!

HHH tries to pedigree more people in the crowd, but Super Dragon has already PUNCHED THEM ALL IN THE FACE!

The rest of this match is being written while blinded, as I can't see, because Super Dragon read the above joke and PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!

Long story short, I really just want to see ANYONE vs. HHH THAT _BADLY_ …now!

Backstage, HHH is washing his hands. MENACINGLY! He doesn't even use soap. Why? BECAUSE HE'S A HEEL!

.

Now we cut to 8 shots of girls talking. Or more adequately, 7 shots of boobs with sound, and then some black chick. I always wondered what Linda Miles' son would look like.

Now, Christy Hemme gives her promo. Take it away, Christie!

Christie: Ladies and gentleman, I am fan of wreslin'—ekpeshully WWE. Me card read good. Me like Smackedon and Roar. Me two favorite show. Boobs? Me have.

Ok, so the promo isn't so good, but afterwards, Clay Aiken comes in, decked out in full troll clothing and started crooning a sexy version of "Hopelessly Devoted To You". Well, sexy if you're into weird looking guys who should be shot for being so weird looking.

I know what you're thinking, and no, it's NOT Tartar Sauce on my lips! It happens to be pus!

I mean, you're thinking, "How could Al possibly top THAT segment?" Well here goes.

Kane's backstage with his old lover, Lita, and long story short, he convinces her to agree to the following: At the next PPV, whoever wins the Kane vs. Brodus Clay match MARRIES Lita.

Folks, I consider myself a funny man. I like to tell jokes. But NOTHING I could possibly think of is funnier than THAT, and it's a real angle they're going with. Are we supposed to feel any sympathy for Lita? Or Brodus for that matter? She banged Kane to protect Brodus because he's such a wuss. She got knocked up and won't even bother to get a paternity test. Now she's told Clay she'll marry him, but what the heck, if Kane pins him, she'll marry him instead.

I think what this angle needs is a few segments where Spike Dudley gets molested by Brodus, while Lita watches. That'd be nice. Hmm…I think I may have to DO that one! Anyway, moving on…

.

MATCH: KANE VS. MAVEN

Maven's got a good chance here. Why? Because you can't spell Maven without Kane. Well, if his name was Mavekn, at least. The k would be silent, like in knife and knight. Anyhow, Maven realizes he can't outwrestle Kane, so he gets on the mic and takes a page out of Cena's book—he proposes a RAP BATTLE! Big Daddy Kane accepts!

Maven: Yo, yo, check me out...here we go...  
My name is Maven and they call me Mave!  
If this was 1825, I'd be a slave!  
I can dropkick and bulldog, but not much more!  
Kane's in an angle where he's marrying a whore!  
My mom is dead, but that's alright.  
Screw that whore, because she's white!  
BREAK IT DOWN!

Kane: Kane's the one y'all come to see,  
I don't mind saying that it burns when I pee!  
You see I bagged Lita and it was great,  
But now it stings when I masturbate!  
I laughed when I heard she was gonna have a baby,  
But that's when I realized, that slut gave me scabies!  
So hey Brodus Clay, please listen to this!  
Your woman Lita gave me syphilis!  
WORD TO YOUR MOTHER!

Also, during Kane's rap, Maven dropkicked every turnbuckle in sight. The guy's a trooper.

.

MATCH #LAST: RE-EVOLUTION (The re-unification of Orton, Batista, and Flair) VS. CHRIS BENOIT, CHRIS JERICHO, and CHRIS EDGE

Flair's rolls down the aisle in his electric wheelchair—complete with a black helmet that has a lightning bolt design on each side of it. He was late arriving because some thoughtless moron took the last handicapped spot. Anyhow, the match is just underway…

Edge and Orton start, and Edge CHOKES Orton with his jacket! He's hardcore! He's hardcore! Evolution gains the upper hand. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. FLAIR TAGS GREG GAGNE! GAGNE TAGS FLAIR! Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair. Flair tags Orton. Orton tags Batista. Batista tags Flair.

Then Benoit starts chopping everyone like he was Stone Cold and they were his wife or something! JR mentions that Benoit is the rabid wolverine and he may, in fact, ACTUALLY have rabies! He does, and begins biting and humping Batista!

Jericho is in the ring and he hits the ARROGANT PIN! He follows it up with a BACK SUPLEX! And then some stereotypical CRUISERWEIGHT MOVES! But that's broken up by the famed BATISTA LIFT & TOSS! And now, Ric Flair starts SEXUAL WALKING! Randy Orton hits POWERBOMB 14 and SPINEBUSTER 8! Edge hits SHINING WIZARD 6!

The crowd is loving this match so much that they've stormed over the barricades and are taking turns punching Jerry Lawler in the throat! This is sexcellent!

Edge pins Batista, but Batista kicks out so hard, EDGE FLIES THROUGH THE ROOF OF THE ARENA! Now Evolution has the upper hand...UNTIL EDGE COMES BACK, FLYING ON THE BACK OF A BALD EAGLE!

Next thing I know, Randy Orton and Ric Flair are sharing a pair of trunks, and Chris Benoit is holding up the decapitated head of Doink the Clown! Some might say that it's gotten BONZO GONZO! But not me! I'd say it's gotten BONZI WELLS!

He gets 4 rebounds and an assist!

And , suddenly from out of seemingly NOWHERE, here comes Kenta Kobashi! He hits the ring and vomits blood! Then, he mysteriously vanishes, never to be seen again!

Now we come to the part where everyone hits their finisher! Edge with a spear! Benoit with a crossface! Flair with a Figure Four! Batista with a Demon Bomb! Jericho with a "gets pinned after a fat woman in the audience with large knockers, 2 teeth, and an ill-fitting NASCAR t-shirt distracts him"-plex! Orton with an RKO!

I'm not good with match times, but I'm guessing this one has been going on for like 6 hours when everyone piles on top of each other mid-ring. The pile is broken up, and EDGE HAS GIVEN BIRTH TO FORMER WOMEN'S CHAMPION IVORY!

Benoit, being rabid and all, decides to eat the placenta, allowing him to get RANDY KNOCKED OUT! Orton covers for the win, 1, 2, 3!

The show ends with Orton posing, then cuts backstage to an enraged "Natural" Butch Reed, who is tearing apart someone's limo! We pan in to reveal that he's attacking...Victoria!

Butch: Vicky! Come back...

Victoria: Get away from me!

Butch: But...I'M YOUR FATHER!

Victoria gets out of the limo, with tears in her eyes and runs to Butch. He opens his arms to finally embrace the love of his life that he's been searching for forever.

THEN SHE GETS HIT WITH AN RKO! And so does Edge's baby!

RANDY ORTON OWNS YOU!

.

_[Fade to orange]_

* * *

Aaahhh…that was a fine PPV, don't you think? Of COURSE you do! Thanks for tuning in! Reviews are always welcome _**and **_appreciated!


	10. Requested by zzzet

Disclaimer: No shit is owned by me, therefore, I don't own shit.

* * *

Yes, yes, yes…here we are once again, in yet ANOTHER one of my PPVs. Now this PPV was made by one of my newer fans—"zzzet". He's also sponsoring tonight's show. So, what I've done THIS time is, per his request, I'm going to sidestep my regular rules for just this ONE PPV. What I'm doing is I'm going to use ALL current stars—from both TNA and WWE—just to appease those who maybe have only been watching wrestling in the past 5 years or those who USED to watch it but have come back after a long haitus. So, here we go!

* * *

Tonight, we hail from America's toilet—Philadelphia! We're live…in someone's back yard. They have a pool and EVERYTHING—the best thing is—no one's home! So, let's get this shit started!

We start off with Miz talking up Mickie James (I don't care WHAT TNA calls her, I still call her Mickie James! Come to think of it—mmmmm…sticky Mickey…yummmm…but, anyway…) wearing a title belt, and he gives her a peck on the cheek. Bischoff materializes out of nowhere and interrupts to congratulate Miz on his successful defense, and plans to have an 8-Man tourney to determine the new #1 contender. He'll even give Miz the night off, but Miz decides to hang around - maybe even have a match. Against the one guy brave enough to take Vince on in the Monday Night Wars. Bischoff soils himself, but Miz says was only teasing.

The video camcorder pans across a capacity crowd of about…49. Then Lillian Garcia announces the first contenders in the ourney's first match. Christian. CLB (Creepy l'il bastard) comes out, and Lawler wonders who ol' Captain Charisma will be facing. Yes, and of course it's Kane

The CLB talks crap to the Big Red Machine, who stares at him. They lock up, and Kane shoves Christian away - through the ropes and to the floor. CLB gets back in and makes with a furry of punches, but eats a Giant Boot after the no-sell, the Big Red Machine sends Christian back outside with a clothesline. All of a sudden, Beth Phoenux runs down to ringside and whips out her erect cock! This distracts Kane and Christian drop-toes him into the steps. Christian back in the ring to distract the ref long enough for Phoenix to force-feed Kane her cock for a few moments.

Kane gets back into the ring and Christian wears on him with more punches and a few kicks, this time. Kane battles back. Christian chokes him in the ropes and releases at four, then hits a neckbreaker. Christian works on taking off the turnbuckles as Kane does the no-sell Situp. Christian charges in and is smashed. Kane goes for the Choke Slam, but Christian slips free and goes for the Unprettier. Kane shrugs him off and CLB calls for help solving his problems. Phoenix, erect cock and all, hops up on the apron and CLB whips Kane towards him for the cheap hit, er…poke - but Kane reverses and Christian gets his own ass poked from behind by Beth! Then he gets Choke-slammed. Then pinned. Beth storms in with a steel chair to get in some revenge. She gets a Big Boot and her very own, personalized Choke Slam.

Christian is met in the back by Flair, who makes fun of him and promises that HHH will win this tourney. Flair does this with a 'rap'!

"_My name's Ric Flair_

_And I'm rappin' to-day_

_About trip-le H and how he's so gay!_

_He's gonna' win this tourney, you will see, _

_Now my bladder's bad, so I gotta' go pee!"_

_**(John Cena would be proud)**_

**__**.

We fade from THAT pathetic scene, and bring you to another one. I mean a potentially BETTER scene, geez. Anyway, we cut to Jinder Mahal and Khali, as they make their ways to the ring, still stinging from their loss to the "Dream Team" of Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. The crowd obligingly chants USA. Mahal responds with his mock-Arabic praising Khali, and Khali, in these EXACT words, tells us that "he's not going to allow this injustice to go without confrontation". He's "heated that despite being undefeated on ALL of these PPVs, he's not in the Tourney". It's "obviously a sinister conspiracy to hold down the Arab Americans, masterminded by Kurt Angle". He might be onto something with that, considering history - and that Angle is from America. Khali tells us that there's one other person to blame for their loss - and then turfs Mahal with slaps and kicks before spitting on him and throwing him out of the backyard and into someone else's yard—where he's promptly given the last ride, as Taker doesn't LIKE anyone in his yard—especially while he's raking LEAVES, DAMNIT!

Mahal eventually comes to and slinks his way back into his 2001 Ford Escort and sputters off. The crowd boos, but there's not much energy in it, clearly showing that no one gives a toss about this mofo..

On the "ALA-TRON" _(My broke-ass version of the "Titan Tron"—which, for ME, is just a 27-inch TV plugged into one of the outdoor outlets at these peoples' house.)_ , a Mark Henry replay shows us he destroyed Trish Stratus. I'm supposed to BOO this? Sorry, chunky. They give Mark a microphone. Mark says that last night he proved how physical he could be - and that he HUNGERS for LOVE. So he pushes up on Garcia and asks if he can go South of the Border on the Spicy Latina that she is... suddenly, Jeff Jarrett comes out to cockblock. He makes some fat jokes and offers Mark a lifetime supply of Slim Fast- since it'd take a lifetime to get that fat slob in shape - even WITH the program.

Henry beats him up. Jarrett is then put in the tree of woe and then Henry stumbles into him back-first. Jarrett is Sloppy Splashed. Slowly. Jeff mounts a desperate counter offense, even going to the top for an Axehandle attempt. Henry slaps him flat in midair and then falls on him. Slowly. 1-2-3. Henry returns to Garcia to tell her - and every other woman - that "Sexual Chocolate" is back on the market. The Black Market. No, that's what he actually said. Swear to God.

* * *

Now we have Aksana and Gail Kim are looking-AND hating-over Natalya's shoot in Stuff Magazine. Eric says they'll need to figure out some way to work it into the show. Then he strolls to his…office (which is, his own car) for a meeting with HHH, who's pretty miffed that Eric called for a tourney when he'd SO obviously beaten him with the Pedigree, yet had no referee to count it. HHH says Eric OWES him a rematch. Bischoff tells him to pound sand, and if he wants another crack at Miz, he'll have to win said tourney. HHH says he doesn't care who he has to go through, he WILL get his rematch, and he WILL be the Heavyweight Champ AGAIN.

* * *

Devon gets an interview segment with a random broad, but Jericho interrupts to re-congratulate him on doing so well in TNA. Devon and Jericho happen to also be in the tournament, but they both have no idea who they'll face. They shake hands and go their way.

Devon is called down for his match in the tourney. His opponent? HBK! _(Yeah, all of a sudden, his back doesn't hurt anymore when you promise him a burger and a grape soda!)_ Devon looks stunned. He probably expected Jericho, like they were alluding to so heavily, earlier.

Anyway, they square up, and HBK hits a waistlock takedown. Devon's all over him on the mat, but HBK makes it to the ropes. Devon is up in a wink as HBK collects himself. They lock up again - HBK with a hammerlock. Devon counters to a hammerlock. HBK counters to a waistlock, and then a waistlock takedown. Complete deja vu as Devon works him over on the mat and Michaels lunges to the ropes for a break. They lock up again, and HBK with a headlock. Devon Irish whips free. Michaels hits a shoulderblock to knock Devon down. HBK to the ropes for momentum, and Devon arm-drags him down. Three times. Michaels walks away to regroup.

Devon with a headlock takeover. Michaels gets a couple two-counts trying to reverse it. Both of them back up and they run the ropes. Michaels shoulderblocks him down and skips over him a couple times. Devon back up and lariats Michaels to the floor, following him out.

_Hmm, let's have a commercial—even with just 49 people showing up—this shit ain't free! Commercials. There's a lollipop that gets even MORE delicious when you put some special sauce on it. Kids sucking long cylinders with special sauce shown on a show with oily men rolling around on each other. What's more gay?_

* * *

During the break, HBK is trying a Superplex. Devon counters in midair with a crossbody. Cut to Miz in the…garage watching this on the TV. HBK and Devon exchange chops, then Devon uncharacteristically hits a Samoan Drop! Both back up, trading shots. Devon hits a flying forearm, then a reverse backbreaker. Devon goes for the Back Body Drop, but HBK kicks him the mouth and then hits a retaliatory Flying Forearm. Both men down. Michaels kips up at 7, followed closely by Devon. They exchange pinfall attempts and counters.

Michaels shoves Devon into one of the corners, but Devon gets loose and Michaels gets the Stinger Splash. Michaels tries the Superkick. Devon ducks and counters with the Flying Back Heel, which gets two.

Michaels up quickly and hits the Flying Elbow Drop. He strikes up the band as Devon gets to a vertical base, but Devon catches it and counters with a Roundhouse punch. Michaels gets up, and Devon hits him with a flying Forearm. Gets two. Michaels throws Devon out of the ring, but Devon doesn't fall to the floor. Instead, he tries to captialize on the surprise with a Slingshot, but before he can make it look like he's trying to do something in the way of offense, Michaels Superkicks him flat for the win.

Hmm. Michaels jobbing out the newer talent? Yeah, it's just like when he was wrestling, alright.

* * *

Jeff Hardy and CM Punk will defend their newly won "Al's World Tag Straps" against... a one-night only, newly-reformed, Beer Money, Inc! Who else, right? Riiiiiight.

Roode and Punk start off with brawlies. Punk gets the better of that exchange, so Roode tries a Sunset Flip. Punk jumps up and butt-splashes him for two. Roode responds with an Irish Whip, and James Storm pulls the ropes so Punk splashes outside. Beer Money beat him up and then toss him back in. Quick tags and double-teams aplenty. Hot tag to Hardy, who dishes out leaping clotheslines to Beer Money, then charges Storm in the corner. Storm feeds him a back elbow. Bedlam ensues as they double-team Hardy. Punk in to make the save, shoving Storm out of the ring. Hardy and Punk get the win out of nowhere with a two-man swanton bomb!

.

Edge! (He took two Tylenol, and his back is just fine, for one night only!) will partake of tonight's third Tourney match, and he will face... Y2J. Jericho and Edge lock up, and Y2J with an Armwringer. Edge responds with a Headlock. Jericho counters with a Wristlock. Edge counters with a hairpull takedown. Jericho explains that he shouldn't have done it with a couple chops, then grabs him by the hair and feeds him the turnbuckles. The referee makes Y2J release Edge's hair, and Edge whips Jericho to the opposite diagonal. Jericho leaps to the second buckle, but Edge shoves him out of the ring.

Jericho back in, so Edge pins him for one. Edge goes to the surfboard, but Jericho battles out. Edge strangles Jericho on the middle rope, then dances. Jericho hotshots him neck-first across the top. Both of them get back up and exchange brawlies. Jericho drop-toes Edge across the middle rope in turn and follows with the Bossman Rush. Edge and Jericho trade highspots faster than I can type. Edge rolls outside and gets the briefcase. The referee stops him long enough for Jericho to hit the Missile Dropkick. Edge back in and hits the Edgecution, then readies the Spear. Jericho leapfrogs out of danger and responds with the Walls.

Edge crawls to the ropes for the break, then spills outside to get the briefcase. Jericho gets it upside the skimmer as he tries to go out after him, then Edgr rolls back into the ring and hits the Spear for the win.

Yep, I need more commercials _(Hey look, this ain't the first PPV I've had with commercials. Times are tough, so just deal!)_. Anyway, 7-11 has Black Mountain Dew Slurpees in a Darth Vader cup. _(As a suggestion, if this sort of thing seems cool to you... just fucking kill yourself.)_

* * *

Austin Aries pulls up, leaving his car in the middle of the road, with his 4-ways on. He leaps the gate and comes to the ring. Nobody cares. A lot. He gets a microphone and a duffel bag to crow about how nobody's been able to beat him. So he'll offer $4000 and a RedSox Curt Shilling jersey AND a Tom Brady autographed football for someone to pin him in the middle of the ring. NOW they want a shot. Aries calls a fat kid in a _Backlash_ shirt down to try. The kid's name is James DeFalco, and he's from down the street. He punches him, but can't knock him down. Suprised? Me neither. _This is what I get for leaving this in the hands of the talent! I'm Suprised they're wasting air on this putz!_ But, are YOU? No, you shouldn't be—I mean, in EITHER fed- it's either him or someone LIKE him or a Diva search or a crappy knockouts match...

* * *

Well, it's getting late. the owners of this house STILL haven't returned-which is FINE by me. Anywho, HHH is called to the ring for his match in the tourney. (10:49) HHH finishes his entrance (10:51), but what's left of the crowd's already dead from that Austin Aries shit. His opponent... Sting. HHH isn't happy. Bell rings anyway.

Sting stalking HHH and hits a chop. They run the ropes and HHH is shoulderblocked down. Hunter back up quickly and tries the Pedigree. Sting counters with a Scorpion deathlock. HHH counters with a hairpull. They brawl back and forth, then Stinghits a Snap Suplex and goes for the Sharpshooter. HHH gets to the ropes for the break, then flings Sting to the corner and clotheslines him in the back of the melon. Sting falls out to the floor as his eyes bug out like he was drawn by Tex Avery. It's pretty fucking creepy looking, lemme' tell you.

We're back (10:57) and HHH snapmares Sting down, then picks him up and knocks him down with a clothesline to the back of the head. They trade brawlies, and HHH clamps on a Sleeper. Sting begins to fade, but counters by charging the corner and bouncing HHH's head off the top buckle. Both men to their feet and HHH goes to the Sleeper again. Sting counters, sendiing them both to the mat. Sting's up first and hits a Suplex. He tries for two, but HHH elbows free and then tries the Pedigree. Sting gets loose with a Standing Switch and hits a couple of German Suplexes, whips HHH to the corner and hits a Stinger Splash. Gets two.

Both men struggle to a vertical base and HHH charges, but Sting takes him down with a Double Leg Pickup and goes for the Sharpshooter. Out of nowhere, Stephanie McMahon charges to the rescue as HHH bumps the ref to oblivion. The two of them work over Sting until Scott Steiner runs down the…aisle _(Which is really nothing more than hopping the fence and getting into the ring.)_ to save the day. He takes the needle the Steph's boobs, which-along with HHH, are not ONLY wearing wrestling boots themselves—They're stomping the HELL out of the Stinger right now. After the needle, Steph's boobs deflate and as they're deflating, the ai coming out is dragging her all above the ring and down the street—it sounded like someone let a loud fart.

Anyway, HHH tries a Pedigree on him, but Big Poppa Pump gets loose and Steiner-bombs him. Stinggets to his feet and puts HHH in the Sharpshooter. HHH reaches for the rope, but Steiner holds it back from him. HHH taps out after another 40 seconds in the Sharpshooter. Scott smiles bigger than he did after that three-way with Winter and Brooke Tessmacher.

What's left of the audience applauds and whistles, as Scotty leaves HHH a battered mess in the middle of the ring. Scott then makes fun of HHH by sticking his tongue out at him and slapping the apron as we fade to black.

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_**The End—hope you enjoyed-zzzet! This Heineken's for you! Or as Yoshi Tatsu would say, "Do you 'rike my Heine'?"**_

_**.**_

_**Reviews are always appreciated!**_


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